Dear Ms Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez,
We’d like to introduce ourselves: we’re Every Creepy Conservative, and we’d like to ask you a question. No, not about if people in Venezuela eat rats and if you think that’s a good idea. We already know your response to that, is that you probably think it should be mandatory since you hate the concept of money. But no matter.
We have something much more important to ask you: will you go to PragerU Prom with us?
We, Every Creepy Conservative, have a confession to make. Much like the communist hellscape you wish to create with green energy and healthcare for everyone, you’ve been living rent free inside our heads for the last 7 months. You’ve playfully danced onto the rooftop of our hearts. Sure, we’ve posted some unflattering memes, a little fake porn here and there, and off-color comments about you on every article that even mentions you. It’s our way of playing hard to get! You must have noticed, how couldn’t you?!
Since your stunning upset last June of 10-term incumbent Democrat Joe Crowley, we just can’t stop thinking about you! We’ve sent you many, many, many, many requests for a spirited, open, facts-based debate to no avail. That’s unfair, and according to the ancient laws of Protagoras, you must at least hear us out. There’s just something about you; we viciously hate everything you stand for, but we cannot deny the cold logic of our hearts.
So let us lay out a fact-based, truthful, brutally logical explanation as to why we would make the perfect prom date for a perfect night at PragerU’s prom webcam livestream.
In our mind palace, we see the night play out like a crisp 1080p YouTube video. We will be wearing some sort of Renaissance doublet smelling of fine perfumes and spices from the Orient. (And not the current MARXIST one; the old, good one where white people could buy Chinese slave labor in exchange for drugs.) We will look simultaneously 14 and 44 years old somehow. Perhaps we should even wear our crusader armor we use to stand outside the mosque two towns over (to protect the virginal integrity of our step-sister, of course).
You shall be dressed as a Southern Belle, a debutante, having the vapors and looking slightly angry all the time, but able to engage in casual racism at a moment’s notice. You will ask to see Life’s manager, demanding a refund for your under-sweetened macchiato. We all know from our extensive photo databases that you dress well, suspiciously too well for someone claiming to have been born and raised in a refrigerator box. You’ll have ample time to explain yourself in great detail on our wonderful rendezvous.
We apologize, but you’ll arrive at our home because we probably can’t borrow the Civic. We would have preferred to come to your house, as tradition, especially the house we posted all those totally LOL pwned memes about. Our home is dedicated with commemorative plates, Israeli and Blue Lives Matter flags, with a impressive amount of WWII documentary DVD’s focusing on what we call the “German experience”.
We will show you off to our blue-blooded, 100% patriotic American family. Our dad, the smartest human being to have ever existed, will stand next to his decorative fantasy sword collection. He prefers the house to be plastered in Cultural Marxist propaganda, such as Teletubbies and The Last Jedi posters. He says, nearly crying, to remind him all the time of the horrors of communism and paying taxes, even when he shuts his eyes. He loves the West so much he is constantly on the verge of tears, even when you meet him. A wonderful, amazing man who sometimes even talks at us on YouTube!
Hovering menacingly in the kitchen doorway, our step-mom is a pillar of strength. Like beautiful marble, she is cold, hard, and white. Please do not ask her about her dollhouses with human teeth in their floors or her collection of new-ish children’s shoes. She will not speak, and do not make eye contact. (This is extremely important.) We love her, and we think if she got to know me, she would love us, too… in her way.
Our step-sister is a social media star. At her college graduation, she rode a horse while carrying a rocket launcher, with the words “Google DisneyWorld Pedo Dungeons” on her mortarboard. She won’t be home, since she’ll be having a sleepover at a friend’s place (or FBI safehouse) where they watch videos of their boss.
Our step-brother CHAD IS AN ASSHOLE WHO ONLY TALKS ABOUT DMT AND MMA AND WE ARE NOT ON SPEAKING TERMS AFTER HE PUNTED OUR CRUSADER HELMET INTO THE CREEK. He’ll probably say something dumb like, “You got a date? Wild stuff. You wanna do mushrooms? It’s spiritual.” We do not pollute our bodies with drugs, alcohol, prescription medications, or cooked meat. That wet, hacking cough we have? Impurities leaving us!
Before we leave for the soiree, you’ll politely listen and laugh, oh will you laugh, to our conservative stand-up routine and magic show. Watch as we make the corporate tax rate disappear and and we pull a border wall out of a hat. We could browse our head caliper collection. If you’re nice, we will even show you our cabinet of screenshots of libs WE DESTROYED AND EVISCERATED WITH LOGIC. We could even stop at the malt shop for a phosphate to share completely real FBI crime stats as it relates to race.
The magical night will be ours!
We swear to you, on the Roman bust that we used for our Twitter avatar, that we will not once commit the unforgivable sin of logical fallacy. No Dalton’s Gambits, no Rubber Crutches, No Fox-In-The-Hole fallacies shall cross our lips. And if you were to make such a fallacy, we would happily, and at great length, explain your fallacy and how you could avoid it in the future. You are welcome in advance.
Depending on where the night goes, do you know what AOC also stands for? Age of consent! But let’s not get ahead of ourselves. We are a gentleman, a scholar of Western thought, and actually a very nice guy if a fine lady like yourself would just give us a chance and reply to our DMs. We’ve had too many “close calls” with liberal activist judges, but thankfully we’ve always had a lacrosse coach. We’re well-read in every single state statute on age of consent, so it won’t be an issue. (Pretty cool that we can just rattle all these off, huh? We are very normal.)
So, will you go to PragerU prom with us?
If YES, please send us an open-toed shoe pic as confirmation. We will cross-reference with our files. We promise you eternal devotion and even a guest spot on our podcast where you can agree with what we say. Many a night could be spent curled up on the couch watching Dinesh D’Souza documentaries about how the Democrats invented super-fentanyl to promote white genocide.
If NO, you’ll be hearing from our lawyers and 20 voicemails where we are audibly crying.
Now if you’ll excuse us, we need to go record a 189 minute YouTube video in our car about toxic misandry in the new She-Ra cartoon. We shall see you on that beautiful night! (Or else we’ll be forced to lie and say we got to second base.) We await with baited, extremely bad breath for you to swipe “right” on our completely normal, appropriate, and 100% non-weird desire to obsess over your every move and action.
Your Truly,
Every Creepy Conservative
P.S. Please please please please please please please please please say yes. PLEASE. PLEASE. PLEASE.
PLEASE.
Carl Wilhoyte is the co-editor and co-founder of Zero Balance. His work has appeared in Street Fight Radio, District Sentinel, Abomination Magazine, Bourbon Penn, and Farmhouse Magazine.