If It’s Gonna Cost More Than a Blockbuster, It Should At Least Be As Entertaining
A lot is made about the spectacle of Presidential elections in the United States. Over the years they’ve grown ever larger, ever longer, and vastly more expensive than your average summer blockbuster. Avengers: End Game reportedly had a budget in the neighborhood of $360 million dollars while the 2016 presidential race ended up with a total price tag of over $2.5 billion.
Say what you will about the entertainment value of an election’s goofs and gaffes, but I seriously doubt anyone would pick 24 months of nihilistic grandstanding by ancient psychopaths over one of the most popular and successful movie franchises of all time.
Since we seem utterly incapable of imposing any reasonable boundaries on the depravity of the presidential spectacle, I instead propose we lean into it. If this is going to be the dominant entertainment product of 2019 and 2020 it’s only reasonable to punch it up a bit.
In the process, we may even get some small catharsis by way of forcing our political class to utterly debase themselves for the privilege of seeking the power to destroy all life on earth.
Here are just a few of my proposed changes:
Candidates must have, personally run, and answer every DM sent to their Twitter accounts. This one is more or less self explanatory. Want to send CIA hit squads to murder organizers in Latin America? You’re gonna have to really get down in the muck with us rabble first. If you can’t take the torrents of abuse and humiliation why should anyone trust you to commit war crimes?
Candidates must eat one of every food item offered on a stick at the Iowa State Fair. On camera. Within 72 hours. A celebration of America’s plenty! As President, a candidate may be forced to participate in an artificial famine that kills millions, so what better way to remind them how lucky they are an imperial hegemon isn’t starving all of us to death! This may seem like a trivial trial, but there are 82 stick based food items, and anything short of finishing every one is disqualifying.
Candidates must run a lewd private Snapchat, available to donors starting at $25. Even you perverts probably aren’t interested in seeing this, but it’s a great reminder to these comfortable rich cretins that sex work is work. I can already hear the objections “forcing someone to do this is wrong”. Well, they didn’t have to run for President, and much more importantly Presidential candidates aren’t people and shouldn’t have any rights. I’m sure your objections will fade after the first time they turn a wedding or birthday party into a fine mist by drone.
Candidates must participate in at least 5 gaming tournaments instead of debates. The clown car 20 candidate debates are already a farce. Let’s not pretend anything of substance will actually be discussed. Rather than subject ourselves to another contrived sound-bite shouting match, let’s see who’s the first to have a heated gaming moment. If you can’t pull off a flawless victory as Sub-Zero or execute a perfect 360 no-scope how are you going to topple a democratically elected Latin American government and install a reactionary dictator?
Candidates must write, arrange, and record their own campaign song. We’re all sick of these shit heads adopting popular music and tainting it with their stench. Every other artist ends up having to call out and disavow whichever shit head pathetically gyrates onto the stage to their hit single. To be the American Butcher in Chief you need to be creative. Enough of the half-assed “Iran ‘attacked’ oil tankers” bullshit. If you can’t write and perform a hit single you sure as hell can’t concoct a believable false flag. All this country asks is that, as President, your lies are believable.
While this list is far from complete, or perfect, I think it represents a good start. If our elections are going to cost the GDP of Guyana they should at least be as entertaining for us as they are humiliating for the candidate.
After all, anyone willingly seeking that power should be ashamed. They’re not, but they should be.
Jean Krill is is the co-editor and co-founder of Zero Balance. His writing navigates the many disparate visions of a radically better future.