Below is a transcript Zero Balance has obtained from a secret workshop with former Vice President Joe Biden for his 2020 announcement. The group hired to create the announcement was Boatshoe Strategies, a DC-based consultancy firm staffed entirely by bocce ball scholarship winners.
Consultant (C): How about we reverse decision and announce in Charlottesville, but do a 38 minute rambling video log about the new She-Ra cartoon in the driver’s seat? Ooh, in the spirit of bipartisanship, do it in the car that killed Heather Heyer.
Joe Biden (JB): No – too sweaty. I also can’t find my phone.
C: Maybe you could marry a Neo Nazi and a Rabbi in the Mall of America?
JB: Do they have those fried elephant ear things? Also, why would we need to campaign in Wisconsin?
C: It’s in Minnesota, sir.
(Biden makes an annoyed grunting sound.)
C: Donate $50,000 (for the troops) to Trump’s “Win a Chance to Press the Button on a Drone Strike” raffle?
JB: Was gonna do that anyway.
C: Well, you have a certain “image problem” with women, no pun intended. Hmm. You could give comforting backrubs to sexual assault survivors!
JB: Brunettes only.
(Biden takes out a lock of human hair from his pocket and takes a deep whiff of it.)
C: Black people, we need them. Do an NAACP dinner in blackface, but only to show everyone how really offensive it is.
JB: It worked for Ralph what-his-nuts. He’s still governor of something, isn’t he? Ehhn, just don’t find minstrels funny.
C: Make your campaign website on Wix! Do a whole partnership thing!
JB: Is that a cereal? Not doing this solo run shit a third time on a cereal.
C: I dunno, sir. Maybe just power through your 4 decades of shitty votes and policies on the dry fart of Obama’s post-presidency?
Biden’s eyes glaze over white, as if he is a great white shark about to attack. His mouth opens to reveal many rows of tiny, razor sharp teeth.
Carl Wilhoyte is the co-editor and co-founder of Zero Balance. His work has appeared in Street Fight Radio, District Sentinel, Abomination Magazine, Bourbon Penn, and Farmhouse Magazine.