One of the great industrialists of our age has died. David Hamilton Koch got got last night at the age of 79.
His cause of death is still in dispute with conflicting reports attributing it to; losing control of his bladder and drowning in his own piss while sucking his own dick, shitting himself to death after eating an all-beef dutch baby, being devoured by a murder of crows he’d been training to replace human workers, and succumbing to snake venom during a live action recreation of the Gadsden flag for Tik-Tok.
Regardless the manner of his passing, there’s no doubt the long-time industrialist and philanthropist will be remembered for generations. Famously generous, David Koch donated almost one of his $54 billion fortune to such notable causes as the Murray Rothbard Institute for Eliminating the Poor and The Little St. James Academy for Age of Consent Studies.
His devotion to laundering his reputation, politics, and money through cultural and academic institutions has surely impacted the country and the world more than any of us know. Without the hundred(s) (of) million(s) dollars he and his brother dumped into the American political system we might never have seen the Tea Party wave of 2010. We’d also be left without the joys of the TPUSA diaper rally or the pants-shitting gun girl.
His journey to that great seastead in the sky represents another gut-punch to the robust social circle he kept, after his close friend and fellow traveller Jeffrey Epstein died under totally normal circumstances less than two weeks ago. Surely they will meet again, just like they did on Epstein’s plane, in Hell.
RIP in piss David. May your grave be well watered by the bladders of an ungrateful nation.
Jean Krill is is the co-editor and co-founder of Zero Balance. His writing navigates the many disparate visions of a radically better future.