Welcome to Volume 12 of Stupid, Evil, Horny where we plumb the depths of our societal derangement to find one stupid, one evil, and one horny story to read on company time. This week you better speed read the horny feline fever dream and NYT falling for the Never Trump grifters yet again because your legs will succumb to the new torture toilet in T-5 minutes.
Stupid: The Never Trump Scam Rides Again In The New York Times
Awarded by: Krill
On Tuesday the New York Times naively (more likely cynically) published a piece entitled We Are Republicans and We Want Trump Defeated written by the founders of a new organization called The Lincoln Project.
While both the op-ed and the Lincoln Project’s website wax poetical about the rule of law and the American mythos, even the briefest examination of its member’s backgrounds makes it immediately clear this is a grift, at very least, or a Trump front organization meant to convince credulous liberal rubes into donating for his benefit.
The very first name on the op-ed byline and the website’s advisors list is George T. Conway III. Husband to Kellyanne Conway, and supposed Trump critic. It bears mentioning that his opposition to Trump very well may be due to his losing out on the roles as Solicitor General and Assistant Attorney General at the beginning of the Administration. If you can’t advance your career from inside the White House, I guess your only option is to do some from outside, and that means joining up with the phoney-baloney “never-Trump” Republicans.
The rest of the list of “advisors” on the LP’s page is dominated by GOP strategists, operatives, marketers, consultants, and functionaries. In each case, these advisors worked for a number of establishment GOP figures going into the 2016 election and found themselves boxed out of the lucrative game after Trump won the nomination.
These aren’t principled people with legitimate objections to Trump. Their politics are nearly identical to his. These are jilted members of the Republican consulting class laying a foundation for their return to politics if Trump happens to be defeated in 2020.
The fact that it’s so glaringly obvious the project is a cynical ploy to recapture lost relevance is incredibly funny, and stupid. The fact the NYT was dumb enough to either fall for it, or want to support these slimebags re-entrance into the political arena is enough to award both Stupid for this week.
Evil: The Productivity Toilet
Awarded by: Krill
It seems nothing is sacred in this capitalist hellscape. For millions of working people, one of the only places we can get a reprieve from the hordes of manager wanting suburban moms and condescending do-nothing bosses is in the bathroom. A place where the prying eyes and cracking whips of productivity obsessed demons are unable to follow. A place where we can snatch a few moments of zen, or get mad on our phones.
But, when it comes to stripping the joy out of every waking moment, capitalism always finds a way. An enterprising (some have said) nonce from dogshit island (Britain) has decided that pooping on company time is an affront to the bottom line.
As such, they’ve designed a toilet unfit for hell itself. A resentful cauldron of misery, sloped at a 13 degree angle, for the purpose of making more than 5-7 minutes on the throne an uncomfortable, painful experience.
After the righteous and upstanding people of the world unleashed their fury over the insidious shitter online, its designer had the gall to claim health benefits were actually their first consideration. Apparently their made up compulsive toilet addiction led to developing fictional hemorrhoids which motivated them to create the foul commode rather than just changing their own behavior.
Of course, we all know this is a lie. The perfidious Brit even admitted he was trying to do what inhabitants of that vile island do best; innovate new ways to exploit and discipline working people for the profit of Eton educated pedophiles.
We should not, and cannot let this assault on our most cherished past-time go unanswered. Which is why we’ve flushed the snitch toilet down an even larger toilet labelled “evil” this week.
Horny: Training For Cats, The Erotic Fever Dream
Awarded by: Krill
As if our reality weren’t absurd and disconcerting enough, this week the world was treated to the release of what critics hail as a “grotesque burlesque” and “literally the stuff of nightmares”, Tom Hooper’s Cats.
The film is a cinema retelling of the famous 1980s Andrew Lloyd Weber musical, and by all accounts does not skimp on the erotic play between uncanny valley simulacra. While I’ll leave the joy of experiencing the horror for our readers, some background into how this abomination was created will shed light on what is almost certainly an illegal level of horniness.
In preparation for their roles, the cast of Cats was required to attend “cat camp”, where the actors were “taught” how to act like, well, horny cats.
In his interview with Variety, Idris Elba explained “You start at 8 am, you walk in and get on your knees. For at least seven minutes you prowl around, nuzzling each other, smelling each other, rolling around and doing what you think cats do.”
Meanwhile, the pervert architect of the “cat school” the cast was forced to attend told Rolling Stone, “I think that’s what stuck in their heads the most: Sniffing each other and licking their arms. All of that stuff really did happen in a sort of playful, fun way.”
There are perverts the world over who could never dream of running a school where you teach world famous entertainers to sniff and lick each other while purring in skin tight leotards, but this one has truly reached a milestone in human horniness. For that, we award this week’s horny, and a grudging Bravo!
And that does it for this week’s edition of Stupid, Evil, Horny. Next week, the holidays will be upon us, but that doesn’t mean the dopes, demons, and diddlers will be taking the week off! So look out for the next installment of SEH, and see just who’s kissin’, killin, or catchin’ Santa Claus.
Jean Krill is is the co-editor and co-founder of Zero Balance. His writing navigates the many disparate visions of a radically better future.