Welcome to Volume 13 of Stupid, Evil, Horny where we find 1 dumb, 1 awful, and 1 story found guilty of crimes of the heart (and genitals). This week we have Starbucks’ new employee reimbursement packages, Iranian-Americans suffering through a maniac’s ego trip, and why you may approach the bench with that sweet ass, mister.
Stupid: Starbucks Pays in Meditation App Subscriptions
Awarded by: Krill
On Monday, the glorious leaders of the most generous coffee conglomerate announced they’d be providing every worker a paid subscription to the mindfulness app, Headspace. A $5.83/mo value!
Any of us who’ve worked service industry jobs know the toll it takes on both your body and mind. An endless stream of rude customers demeaning you, the 0-60 pace of a rush, the uncompromising rules of a mega-corporation or small business tyrant. Pair all that with unpredictable scheduling, meager pay, crappy working conditions, and a person can find their mental and physical health rapidly deteriorating.
Which is why Starbucks employees are, and should be, so deeply grateful to the Starbucks Corporation for their efforts to address these issues head-on.
When you’re working a store that serves around 500 customers, or more, a day for an average of $11.06 an hour, you might experience a bit of stress. Especially considering you won’t be able to pay your rent and bills, much less support a child, for that much money.
So, it only makes sense that you’d want to relieve some of that psychic stress by meditating intently on it. Really being present in the moment. Just pushing all other thoughts out, and spending your lunch break focusing on the myriad ways you and your life are fucked. Hold that memory of Karen, spitting mad, screaming in your face about the quantity of foam in her excessively customized beverage. The sound of one customer silently asking for your manager as a koan. The serenity that accompanies an eviction in progress.
While a good employee might find the prospect of inner peace attractive, for some unknowable reason a cohort of malcontents have taken exception to this incredible display of magnanimity by Starbucks. According to Business Insider one ungrateful employee went so far as to say the “Headspace benefit was simply an attempt by Starbucks to combat bad press related to understaffing and increased demands for productivity,” as if the Buddha didn’t understand suffering to be key in attaining enlightenment.
“We didn’t ask for a meditation app, we want to be able to pay our rent” is the kind of ungrateful grumbling that deserves week’s Stupid.
Evil: Iranian-Americans Harassed At Border
Awarded by: Carl
Now, the chud brain is probably thinking this header reads “EVIL IRANIAN AMERICANS STOPPED AT BORDER BY BIBLE-WIELDING MARINE TODD” but in fact, we are calling their stopping an evil act. I know! Crazy, right? Human rights and shit?!
You know what the person in the photo above was doing? No, not studying at a radical madrassa and learning to chant Death to America, Death to Israel. Skiing, with her kids. In Canada.
In the newest phase of the war on basically any non-white immigrants in this country, over 200 Iranian-Americans were held for as long as 11 hours in US airports and interrogated about their lives for no fucking reason. Well, no reason other than they aren’t white and have relatives from a country the US government considers an enemy. Also many legal visa holders were flatout denied entry into the United States. Which kind of takes the piss out of the “why don’t they just immigrate legally” crap you have to put up with.
We’re not at war with Iran (yet). These are American citizens and legal visitors to this country. This was also after DHS said last Friday that there wasn’t even a credible domestic threat from Iran. So this is straight up racial and ethnic profiling, all to satiate a decrepit foreign policy blob thirsting for a war no one wants. Awesome.
Horny: Gavel Bangin’
Awarded by: Carl
Everyone knows Kentucky has the country’s most erotically charged judicial system. Judge Dawn M. Gentry has been spicing up proceedings by allegedly having a threesome in her courthouse. The trio in question? A guitar-playing former pastor and another lady. Talk about getting fucked by the law (BAZOINGO!). A fun detail is that the Pastor Booty Call is also a really annoying dick who bothers people in the office with his guitar and singing.
Other facts came to light, including that her staff were also falsifying timecards and drinking on the job, both extremely cool things. Not so cool is that she coerced staff into helping our her election campaign and she forced another employee out so she could hire the dude (guitar playing pastor guy) she was banging. Also extremely not cool is that she brought her kids into confidential court proceeding and one of her kids even recognized another child in the proceedings, which is why they’re confidential in the first goddamn place.
Judge Gentry is currently under suspension with pay as the investigation proceeds. We assume that she is having a polycule unicorn quad with the entire Kentucky Court of Appeals to “resolve her case”.
(And you are correct, I did pick this story just so I could use that headline.)
And that’s this week’s Stupid, Evil, Horny! Join us every Friday for fresh hell and fun for the whole family. Bring your guitar and altered timesheets and we’ll have ourselves a Starbucks meditation circle!
Carl Wilhoyte is the co-editor and co-founder of Zero Balance. His work has appeared in Street Fight Radio, District Sentinel, Abomination Magazine, Bourbon Penn, and Farmhouse Magazine.