Welcome to Volume 14 of Stupid, Evil, Horny where we take 1 dumb, 1 awful and 1 randy story to save our species from extinction. This week we have God’s blessing on a pointless military branch, Republican Texas being Republican Texas (meaning racist and cruel), and a tortoise with a sexual appetite that puts David Duchovny to shame.
Stupid: Space Farce
Awarded by Carl
Space Force has to be the easiest job in the military right now. I mean, it’s like one of those pretend jobs failsons get during the summer at their dad’s used car lot, where they mostly just come in hungover and sexually harass female customers. It’s the type of military service clearly used to scam free drinks at Applebee’s. “Yeah honey, I served my country making sure space was safe. I’m a veteran!” he says, wearing a “Veteran” shirt to let everyone know.
To top off how utterly pointless this service branch is at this moment, the National Cathedral did a “blessing ceremony” for a Bible to be used to swear in US Space Force officials. You might as well have an energy crystal ceremony for their psychic dogs. Let’s not forget that this is a clear violation of the separation of church and state, a distinction that has never fully existed in American government whatsoever. General Jay Raymond is expected to take his oath of office on the special newly minted Bible, good for him, and then retire to an office to throw pencils at the ceiling.
Evil: Texas Governor Shuts Down State to Refugees
Awarded by Krill
While the American popular imagination may not acknowledge it, by any metric Texas is one of the most ethnically, culturally, and religiously diverse states in the US. In fact, Houston, not New York City or LA, is the most diverse city in the nation. Texas is not the backwater hillbilly enclave people seem to believe it is. In fact, it is the second most populous state with two of the five most populous urban areas in the country.
Which makes Gov. Greg Abbott’s nakedly political opt-in to denying new refugee resettlement particularly heinous. It’s a blatant gesture towards his and Trump’s white nationalist base, and is only viable due to the egregious gerrymandering of the electoral map.
Abbott, a notorious bigot, stands alone in this decision. No other Governor has taken this step. In fact, it’s so beyond the pale even the Bishops of the Catholic Church, of which he is a member, have opposed him.
The Governor of a state which should represent the so-called American Dream doubling down on racism comes as no surprise. Doing so while shrugging off the condemnation of his constituents and supposed moral leaders only reinforces just how evil the act really is. Fuck Greg Abbott.
Horny: Turtle Power
Awarded by Carl
You may have been horny in your life, had some fun times, but you’ve never been so horny you may have saved your entire species. A 100-year old tortoise named Diego was such a sexual tyrannosaurus that he’s responsible for directly siring 40% of his island’s population. The guy clapped shell with the gusto of Genghis Khan. In fact, the breeding program at Espanola Island had an entire cum party of tortoise hedonism going on.
We jest, because a horny tortoise sounds like something out of a Tex Avery cartoon, but this was actually a close extinction for his species. Because, you know why. This is a rare good climate change story, and it makes me smile that Diego’s rampant horniness beat out Exxon Mobil’s greed. Godspeed Diego, you absolute fuckbeast.
And all you climate change activists out there, the obvious moral of the story here is to meet up with some sexy scientists and just have as much carnal, animalistic sex as possible. Throw back your heels and just pound it. Because that’s how we’re going to win, apparently.
Carl Wilhoyte is the co-editor and co-founder of Zero Balance. His work has appeared in Street Fight Radio, District Sentinel, Abomination Magazine, Bourbon Penn, and Farmhouse Magazine.