Welcome to Volume 15 of Stupid, Evil, Horny where we take 1 moronic, 1 demonic, and 1 sex-smelling lighting instrument and deliver them piping hot to your computer machines. This week we have the “death” of a “beloved” corporate mascot, kids getting tortured for no fucking reason, and beef between Goop Mom and the K-Mart felon.
Stupid: The Untimely Death of Mr Peanut
Awarded by Carl
Sure, they’ll tell you he “killed himself”. That’s the official story, but as we all know, the official story is what they think you’ll believe. Look between the lines, look between the lies. Mr Peanut was a known war criminal and sexual predator, having lived in exile in the Philippines for the better part of a decade. Mr. Peanut didn’t die in an auto-erotic ashyxiation accident in a dark motel room. No, he was murdered and we all know it.
He wanted you to think he was smooth, but his nutty empire was built on a chunky pile of corruption, cheap sex, and high fat content. The gears of power were oiled well, peanut oil, and he was connected at the highest levels, from Mr Clean to even the Burger King himself. Both were on the flight logs at least a dozen times each. Rumor has it even Ronald McDonald was photographed at a Florida with an underage Elsie the Cow.
He donated barrels of salted and unsalted nuts to both parties, Coke and Pepsi, always wanting to stay close to those levers. His death is shrouded in mystery: the deleted surveillance footage from the ATM across the street, the various prostitute’s stories not adding up, mysterious bank accounts filled with millions vanishing overnight. This is one nut that journalists will be trying to crack for years to come.
Evil: Immigrant Minors Tortured In VA Juvie
Awarded by Krill
The very concept of imprisoning children (draw all the distinctions you want, anything else is a euphemism) is abhorrent. The United States Justice System already incarcerates somewhere around 48,000 children nationwide, excluding migrants.
At least 69,550 migrant children were detained in 2019. More incarcerated children than any other country on the planet. Not counting the other 48,000. As if that and their separation from their parents wasn’t bad enough, reports detailing their abuse while in detention continue to emerge, reports like Mother Jones’ coming out of Shenandoah Valley Juvenile Center.
Reports of children being tied to chairs and kept in solitary confinement for trivial misbehavior. For being kids in a stressful and frightening situation. Children, often already suffering from the very emotional trauma that led their families seek refuge in the United States, being punished and abused for crossing an imaginary line. Being tied to chairs, and having bags placed over their heads. Jailers mimicking the way terrorists are treated in the news and shows they see on TV.
The state of Virginia did not see anything wrong with this.
That we treat refugees in need so callously is already heinous. That we sadistically punish their children in a grotesque imitation of the War on Terror is inexcusable. That we continue to do so confident in the absolution of our courts is, undeniably, evil.
Horny: Vagina Candle Fight Heats Up
Awarded by Carl
I honestly feel like the Gwyneth Paltrow vagina candle is genuinely a woman trying to communicate that she has actually been scamming her customers all along. Like it was always a scam, but just got so out of hand. Like QAnon, it’s a freight train that can’t be derailed via normal means. Goop is an experiment to see how much money can be sucked out of equally braindead and irony poisoned people with too much expendable cash. For fuck’s sake, the candle is literally called “This Smells Like My Vagina”. Finally, she just went and said, “You fucking simps will buy anything, how about a $75 pussy candle, IDIOTS?”
And now Martha Stewart has to get in on the action, claiming horny dudes are buying up all the vagina candles. It must be the gamer girl bathwater for middle aged men with trash dick if that’s the case. So there’s sex candle beef now, on top of what I’m unfortunately learning is a long running shitfest between the two. This is horny content that is a magical blend of stupid celeb beef, crap merchandise, and rich morons too turgid to spend their money on anything else.
Carl Wilhoyte is the co-editor and co-founder of Zero Balance. His work has appeared in Street Fight Radio, District Sentinel, Abomination Magazine, Bourbon Penn, and Farmhouse Magazine.