Welcome to Stupid, Evil, Horny where each week we sprinkle a bit of each on 40 steaming hot pizza pies and force feed them into your greedy mouths. This week we have a Pizza Liar, the Canadian bacon doubling down on colonialism, and Thatcherites finally synthesizing sex and regime change.
Stupid: PIZZA LIAR
Awarded by: Krill
Deception, thy name is Papa! John Schnatter has once again betrayed the trust of the public, and perhaps, the institution of pizza itself. The man best known for commercials about his Camaro and saying the n-word in a meeting explicitly about not saying the n-word has been spiraling for years now.
First, he was ousted from the mediocre national pizza chain he founded after a conspiracy of one (himself) tricked him into using the aforementioned racial slur. Then for what I’m sure were completely unrelated reasons, his wife left him.
Still reeling from the utter destruction he visited upon his extraordinarily comfortable life, the racist mega-millionaire pizza baron recently claimed the quality of his former company’s pizza had precipitously declined in the wake of his departure. The proof? He claimed in a now infamous TV interview to have eaten 40 pizzas in 30 days.
A truly depraved act, but wholly believable from an impossibly rich maniac without much else to live for. The gleaming grease and flop sweat coating his skin was almost enough to humanize the pathetic bastard.
But now, the truth has emerged. Not only did Papa John not eat 40 pizzas in 30 days, by his own admission, he may not have even eaten one.
“When I said I had a pizza, it means I’m inspecting,” he said. “I’m not eating every pizza. I may be eating parts of pizzas.”
“May be”. “Parts”. Disgusting.
The perfidious Papa has done us a great service. Even after disgracing himself with naked bigotry, even after being left by his wife of 30 years, the rich man can’t even wallow honestly. Let his monumental stupidity be a lesson to us all.
Evil: Canadian Bacon Oppresses Native People
Awarded by: Carl
The only thing racist white people hate more than people of color standing up for themselves is the worst crime imaginable: them blocking roads. Imagine growing up as the center of a country’s culture, taught from birth that it’s your sacred right to drive your jacked pickup wherever you want, and then someone STOPS YOU FROM DOING THAT. Buuuuuuuuuuuuuh, that must suck real bad, bro!
Fuck that noise. Abloo-bloo-bloo. Cry some more. The Wet’suwet’en Tribe in British Columbia, Canada has been blocking roads and protesting the construction of the Coastal GasLink Pipeline since 2018 over their native lands, but the crackdown has recently come to a head. Once again, indigenous people have to scrape and fight against a giant company with their cop lapdogs trying to bulldoze a tribe’s land so suburban idiots can burn more fossil fuels and cook us all alive. Some fatuous assholes took it upon themselves to clear a blockade, cops idly standing by like they always do when people of color feel the brunt of white resentment.
Recently, the Mounties busted up a camp near Belleville, Ontatio when protestors blocked a rail line. The RCMP got an injunction to clear them and all the news could talk about were the rail delays. Yeah, the point of the protest is to inconvenience.
It’s been a particularly brutal time period for indigenous rights, with evil shit like Coastal GasLink is a link in a long chain of destruction. No more pipelines, period.
Horny: Daily Mail Regime Wank
Awarded by: Krill
While sex and regime change may go hand in hand for neocons, the two rarely meet in outside the mind of the world’s greatest killers. In what is quite possibly the most bizarre, and prototypically Tory, article ever written the Daily Mail claims Venezuelans are simply too poor to fuck.
The examples range from those indistinguishable from youths in any other nation sneaking around the home they share with their parents to incredible weirdos who only take their dates to motels for sex.
“Law students John Alvarez, 20, and Amanda Aquino, 19, prefer to sneak into John’s childhood bedroom on the first floor of his parents’ house. When ‘there’s no one else in the house it’s even better,’ said John.”
Young people and college students who can’t afford their own homes and struggle with the cost of dates aren’t exactly exotic in the western world.
“He prefers to shell out for a motel rather than take his date back to his parents’ home, where he still lives at the age of 31…. When he cannot afford it, he simply goes without romantic encounters.”
The piece goes on to cite the cost of contraception, which definitely isn’t an issue in the US, and the propensity of potential romantic partners to emigrate. Both the direct result of crippling sanctions. Sanctions that deprive Venezuelans of more than just the pill, but every other life saving medication as well. Which is, again, far from alien to the United States itself.
The perplexing sex angle on a comically disingenuous piece of propaganda is an achievement. A dubious one, but a herculean effort in service of horniness. Truly, only the pedophile island could produce something so monumentally ridiculous.
And that’s it for this week’s Stupid, Evil, Horny, but the endless parade of idiots, monsters, and perverts is far from over. A ready supply of the world’s most depraved lunatics and weirdos is waiting in the wings, and we’ll be here to keep you up to date whether you like it or not. Come back next week for your state mandated treatment, and we’ll ensure that brain stays perfectly smooth!
Jean Krill is is the co-editor and co-founder of Zero Balance. His writing navigates the many disparate visions of a radically better future.