Welcome to Stupid, Evil, Horny where each week we search out the most delectable of each, and them devour whole. This week we have IBS bandits, Pedo Scout Bankruptcy, and a Presidential candidate going from snacc to snacker.
Stupid – Great Toilet Paper Heist
Awarded by: Krill
Panic about the Coronavirus continues to spread worldwide this week, but not everybody is worried about their health. Some, in fact, are worried about what they will do about their doo-doo ass.
That’s right, worried Hong Kongers have been buying out everyday commodities beyond just hand sanitizer and masks. Unfounded rumors have spread that even staples like toilet paper might become scarce, and three worried, or entrepreneurial, shitters in the troubled city have decided that they won’t be caught with their pants down should supplies run out.
Holding delivery drivers at knife point, the men made off with approximately 600 rolls – market value ~$200USD. While details are scarce, one can only assume the booty bandits weren’t concerned with quality as the roughly $0.33/roll value suggests single ply.
Two of the three have since been captured by the authorities. While they failed to make a clean getaway, their still winners of this week’s stupid.
Evil – Boy Scouts Bankruptcy
Awarded by: Krill
The organization best known for the second largest institutional cover-up of child sex abuse is filing for bankruptcy. Former members of The Boy Scouts of America have come forward to file thousands of claims detailing the sexual abuse and assault they suffered at the hands of Scout leaders and volunteers.
It’s been an open secret for decades that scouting was rife with abuse, and recently states have passed laws lifting statutes of limitations finally allowing for some measure of accountability and restitution.
As their cases work their way through the courts, the Boy Scouts of America have been desperately seeking to keep the organization afloat as membership continues to fall in the face of the scandal. It appears this bankruptcy filing is yet another disgusting act intended to shield them from real consequences and protect their $1 billion+ in assets.
It’s truly absurd, and outright evil, that anyone would seek to save an institution so thoroughly corrupt that it, almost certainly, knowingly covered up such abuse for the entirety of its history. What value is there to a cultural institution whose primary contribution to society has been aiding and abetting impunity?
No amount of tradition or “cultural value” can justify the continued existence of such an organization. Of course, this is a cherished institution of another entity established on heinous crimes committed with impunity. It’s right there in the name.
Horny – Amy Klobuvore
Awarded by: Carl
The weirder corners of the Internet are showing their unbridled horniness for horrible boss Sen. Amy Klobuchar, and now it’s taken an offramp to the fringes of Fetishville. There’s Amy Klobuchar vore fan art. If you’re not familiar with it, and bless you child if your brain hasn’t been broken on the wheel like the rest of us, “vore” is the sexual fetish of eating a living being or being eaten yourself. Why? Wrong question. Sometimes it’s gory, sometimes it’s not, but what it is for Klobuchar’s image of barely contained Midwestern rage: perfect.
Note, this comic wasn’t originally meant to be Amy Klobuchar, but after its internet rebranding, this is now Klobz, the Klobberer. This is canon.
Amy Klobuchar isn’t running for President, she’s running to be America’s dom. And not in a healthy, positive way that looks for give and take with lots of aftercare, but rather a scary, hardcore ass beating that leaves us drained and terrified of the stapler-wielding banshee. Amy represents these people’s desire to get stepped on, to be destroyed. Now if you want to get wadded up and digested like the disgusting little pisspig you are, Klob’s your gal.
That does it for this week’s Stupid, Evil, Horny, but the parade of horrors is far from over. We’ll keep constructing floats of all the worst idiots, fascists, and freaks for you to gawk at until this hellish carnival finally ends. Come back next week for another reminder that this particular party never ends.
Jean Krill is is the co-editor and co-founder of Zero Balance. His writing navigates the many disparate visions of a radically better future.