Welcome to Volume 2 of Stupid, Evil, Horny; where we pick 1 stupid, 1 evil, and 1 horny person that each particularly got our poster’s sense tingling. This week we have 2 horny entries! It’s been such a hornt up week, and with Jacob Wohl’s Fightin’ Cougar Rally on Thursday, he made the cut.
Stupid: Pastor Robert Jeffress, Witchhunter
Awarded by: Carl Wilhoyte
A very special brand of stupid is Evangelical Christian Stupid, a blend of archconservative politics, capitalism, and apocalypse cult smashed together to create a tumorous blob like Pastor Robert Jeffress. He’s the head of the $130 million, 13,000 congregation First Baptist Dallas megachurch. As someone the head of a large, dying brand, eager for ink and TV time, he’s gone on quite a tear this week. (Of course he’s in the bag for Trump, as if you even had to ask.)
His greatest hit of the week was comparing abortion rights to Democrats worshipping at the altar of Moloch, which I assume infuriated the actual Moloch worshippers in the Democratic Party. Come on, Pastor, you don’t do child sacrifice at an abortion clinic, you do it at the St James Temple, chanting in your black robes with your golf pal from Boca Raton. Read the email we sent you.
On the Todd Starnes Show on Fox, he called President Damp Toddler “the most pro-life, pro-religious liberty, pro-Israel, pro-consumer president we have ever had.” Stob cribbing my articles, content thief. He also went onto say “The Democrats knew they couldn’t beat him at the ballot box in 2016” (which they did, by 2.9 million votes) and “They are becoming increasingly aware of the fact that they can’t beat him in 2020” (Trump is polling under nearly major Democratic candidate). Jeffress has also doubledowned on the Civil War subplot. A thumb-like dolt who preaches on a church that looks like the set of Minority Report, impotently cosplaying end times to make a cretinous oaf feel better. God has truly given you this great award for your boundless grift faith, Pastor.
Evil: The Defense Department Can’t Computer
Awarded by: Carl Wilhoyte
I’m going to be honest, I haven’t been doing enough reps to exercise my Epstein Brain. I’ve been off my redpills. But every now and then, something shotguns a fresh blast in my face and I get a contact buzz. I’m back on my regular dosage, my bullshit. This one got my big-pilled brain pulsating out my ears.
This week in one of the best examples of “let them fight” I’ve seen in a minute, Immigration and Customs Enforcement, aka the Oakleys & Cargo Shorts Gestapo, finished up an operation investigating child porn accessed on the Department of Defense network. 5,000 people, the same number Jesus fed with the loaves and fishes, were identified by ICE as accessing child pornography websites. Beware, the pizza is coming from INSIDE THE GATE!
ICE is very upset, as child exploitation and sexual assault is really their thing now, and probably just wanted to stop out the competition. The Department of Defense acted swiftly, supporting a bipartisan bill to strengthen enforcement and oversight. Seems like they simply want to get back to their real job: dropping bombs on children, not sharing porn of them.
Horny: Rudy Giuliani (For That Swamp Ass)
Awarded by: Jean Krill
Rudy Giuliani is a kept man. He dutifully backs it up for zaddy, but whenever they’re together, he’s not thinking of Donald.
He’s deeply conflicted. The psychic tension demands a response. There’s only one way to resolve the lawlessness of them plump jiggly cheeks clapping their way through his mind.
That’s right, Rudy’s gonna give the Swamp Thing a jawsuit. He’s so thirsty he’s gonna drain every last drop. That teapot dome. Rudy’s calling Mulder cause he’s about to Scully this XXX-File.
It’s okay Rudy, you don’t have to stick around for an abusive partner who will never respect you or your needs. Walk into the warm loving embrace of the only monster who will ever truly love you. Bust open that bussy, and let Swamp Bae into your wetlands.
Sometimes love is where you least expect it.
HORNY LAST MINUTE BUST: Fightin’ Cougar Liz Warren Pegged a Troop!
Awarded by: Jacob Wohl (to himself)
Yes, we know. Rudy formally took home the Golden Hornt this week. But we’d be in posting malpractice if we didn’t honor Jacob Wohl for his continued longform performance art known as his life.
Yesterday, our sweet boy, friend of the site Jacob Wohl and Jack Burkman held a press conference with a 100% real very not made up story that Elizabeth Warren had a steamy rough-and-tumble with a 24 year old Marine named Kelvin Whelly.
The Marine even removed his shirt to reveal a “sex scar” from some rough action, but also a Triple X movie logo tattoo, a prime example in how to bury the lede.
The only way I can process how utterly horny and stupid this is to somehow create a new super dual category just for Jacob Wohl, in which he wins it every moment of every day. If any ounce of this story is true, (which it isn’t), I fail to see how Elizabeth Warren consensually pegging a troop so hard he needs to be on the news is bad for her. That’s just praxis.
Carl Wilhoyte is the co-editor and co-founder of Zero Balance. His work has appeared in Street Fight Radio, District Sentinel, Abomination Magazine, Bourbon Penn, and Farmhouse Magazine.