Welcome to Stupid, Evil, Horny where each week we frantically grab one of each while busting out of the pokey to freedom. This week we have the Hot Pocket court docket, hogs handcuffing half-pint pupils, and baboon bravery in pursuit of libidinal liberty.
Stupid: Hot Pockets Heiress Guilty of Selling Shitty Food (and Bribing College Admissions Officials)
Awarded by: Carl
You know how Hot Pockets can either be ice cold or lava depending on the exact second you remove them from the microwave? Your fortunes can turn just as wildly these days, it seems.
If you are a normal person who eats real human food, you might be asking yourself: what is a “Hot Pocket”? A Hot Pocket is a Big Sad Food for when you’ve given up on life and just need to shove fats and cheeses in your face hole, a universal symbol of “I have given up”. Newly divorced dads and grimy college freshman consume them en masse. It’s also the reason why Michelle Janavs, the “Hot Pocket Heiress”, was able to bribe fixers to boost her two faildaughters’ prospects for USC. Recently convicted of the charge of Dumb Rich Person Crimes, she paid approximately $300,000 to several individuals to convince USC admissions staff that her daughters were star volleyball players, giving them correct ACT test answers, and generally buttering up the cardboard sleeve before their applications got nuked to cheesy goodness. She’ll be spending 5 months in the hoosegow, pay a $250,000 fine, and 2 years of supervised release.
This is not the real crime. Hot Pockets are approximately $2.50 each. That means Janavs sold 120,000 units of her trash food to lie about how cool her daughters were. 120,000 lives made a little more terrible. Imagine a recently laid off insurance adjuster, sitting in cramped studio apartment, TV blasting, bites into a Hot Pocket and tastes the freezing or thermite heat, then suffers a debilitating stomachache for the next 40 minutes. Multiple this by 120,000 times. Where’s their justice?!
Evil: Cop Arrests 6 Year Old for Being 6
Awarded by: Carl
I keep wanting to come up with something anything here to stop how this feels, but I really can’t. Or maybe some sort of ironic joke that would distance me from how purely awful this is. But I can’t. The cruelty on display here is fucking staggering.
It’s a pair of fully grown police officers placing a 6 year old black girl, Kaia Rolle, under arrest, zip-tying her hands, and then walking her out to their squad car. Arresting Officer Dennis Turner then took the screaming child to the police station where the Orlando Police processed her arrest. She was so small they had to have her stand on a box to have her mugshot taken. Her “crime”? She has sleep apnea and was irritable at school. She lashed out and allegedly hit three teachers. You know, regular hysterical 6 year old stuff. It happens, it’s part of life. Parents deal with this type of stuff all the time without needing the pigs to handcuff a child.
The most unbelievable thing is he had actually arrested ANOTHER CHILD ON THE SAME DAY, an unidentified 8 year old boy in a separate unrelated incident. Turner was suspended and then finally fired after a lawsuit from the girl’s family forced the release of the cop’s body cam footage in September. And surprise surprise, he has a documented history of brutalizing black people, sending violent texts to his ex-wife, and even beating his own kids. His superiors regularly gave him 2 decades of slaps on the wrist: verbal reprimands, unpursued complaints, minor suspensions. There’s thousands of Dennis Turners out there, folks.
I can’t scream FUCK THE POLICE loud enough on this. FUCK THE POLICE.
Horny: Bawdy Baboon Breakout
Awarded by: Krill
Imagine, if you will, being held prisoner along with your polycule and children. Over the course of fifteen years of captivity you’ve been poked and prodded. Some of your cohort have been whisked away never to return. One day, they come for you and your co-primaries.
They say they’re going to cut up your nuts because you fuck too good or something. Is it anger that motivates your tormentors? Fear? Jealousy? It’s impossible to say, and it doesn’t matter. All that matters is escaping with your girlfriends, your balls, and your life.
Which is precisely why the leader of an Australian baboon troop teamed up with his companions in a last ditch effort at liberty, and escaped the truck transporting them to hospital. Sadly, their years in captivity left them ill-prepared for an unfamiliar outside world, far from the idyllic wilds they undoubtedly imagined doing all kinds of sex in while planning their escape.
In the end, the pigs recaptured them, and bundled them off to face their fate. But, for one brief moment they tasted freedom. Reader, were our bits and pieces involuntarily set for the chopping block I only hope we’d be so brave. Brave in the face of oppression, courageous in the name of being incredibly horny. For that, I proudly raise my gleaming red ass in salute and solidarity.
That does it for this week’s edition of Stupid, Evil, Horny, but this unholy trinity is everlasting. We’ll continue taking confession from the inept sinners and lascivious saints for this unending morality play. We can’t offer absolution, but we’ll make sure by communing with us your brain remains pure. Until next week!
Jean Krill is is the co-editor and co-founder of Zero Balance. His writing navigates the many disparate visions of a radically better future.