Welcome to Stupid, Evil, Horny, where we cough and wheeze into a Kleenex to bring you the most paranoia-inducing stories to spread on Facebook to Gram-Gram. This week, we have a Terminator Tesla, more awful Iran bullshit that doesn’t need to happen, and some truly viral porn.
Stupid: Press F to Pay Respects (And Possibly a Lawsuit Settlement)
Awarded by Carl
This is why I’m not scared of the robots taking over. Because more often than not, they’re too dumb and broken to actually be a serious threat except to their users. After a 2 year investigation into the death of Walter Huang, NTSB officials determined that the cause of death was his Tesla car’s autopilot slamming him into a concrete divider, a big shocker there considering his car was the consistency of a smashed soda can. The real discovery was the crash happened while he was playing Candy Crush or some shit on his phone.
Listen, we all know the big titty ads on mobile games that scream NO GIRLFRIENDS ALLOWED or YOU WILL CUM INSTANTLY OR DIE are enticing, but maybe you shouldn’t put so much faith in a South African uber-weirdo’s technology to be distracted by Toilet Time Mini Games. Autopiloting cars are made by technology dickheads looking to squeeze the bottom line. The NTSB said “The Tesla’s collision avoidance system was ‘not designed to detect the crash [barrier]’” which, I don’t know, seems like a flaw? Heaven forbid we doubt our Memelord Musk after his triumphant appearance on Rick & Morty as “Elon Tusk” (I am still ROTFLMFAO at this comedy gold.)
Let’s just say I’m not so worried about Terminators coming over the hills anytime soon.
Evil: American Sanctions Kill
Awarded by Carl
Since our fake war with Iran never got to happen, America figured it would just kill Iranian civilians the new way: through indifference. US sanctions on Iran in November of 2018, before all the Baghdad embassy and Soleimani kerfuffle started, have severely restricted medical aid to the country to combat their outbreak of coronavirus.
2300 cases are now reported with 77 deaths. 77 people have died because John Bolton and the neocons wanted their precious little war. 77 bodies isn’t enough for them. Iran is learning a very painful lesson: the American government loves to let civilians die due to lack of healthcare for racist reasons.
Iran was following the agreements of the 2015 nuclear deal that 8 diplomatic representatives hammered out. It was working. The unmitigated decision to just rip up that agreement and impose these sanctions is nothing more than lunacy from psychopaths who didn’t want to drop medicine, but rather stuff that goes boom. This has the potential to become a disastrous outbreak, and the giant damp toddler and his goons are happen to eat popcorn and golf while it does.
Horny – “Viral” Porn (GET IT?!)
Awarded by Krill
Humans are remarkably adaptable creatures. We can persevere through some of the most trying circumstances, and come out the other side with our dignity, and lives, intact. Even in the face of insurmountable odds our resilience is irrepressible.
We would walk five hundred miles, and we would walk five hundred more. We would travel to Hades and back. We would walk through a blizzard for 30 hours, sheltering in a snow cave built by our own hands, setting an alarm for every 30 minutes so we don’t fall asleep and die. We would complete any Herculean task if it might, maybe, possibly, result in getting laid.
So it comes as no surprise that once again the human spirit is triumphing over COVID-19. Dozens of pornographers have seized upon the spreading pandemic to bring an erotic diversion, and education, to the masses.
The hazmat harlots and masked muscle-men aren’t just cashing in on pandemic porno, they’re doing their part, trying to educate the hornt up masses about proper sanitary protection.
“We thought we would use our porn as an avenue to get some legitimate information out with some comic relief included to get people interested and reduce our chances of being banned,”
While they may not be on the front lines, there’s no doubt that in spite of the pandemic, life finds a way. A hot, sweaty, sticky way.
Spicy to Vice
Carl Wilhoyte is the co-editor and co-founder of Zero Balance. His work has appeared in Street Fight Radio, District Sentinel, Abomination Magazine, Bourbon Penn, and Farmhouse Magazine.