Welcome to Stupid, Evil, Horny where each week we contract one of each, and transmit them via hacking coughs and explosive bursts of bodily fluids. This week you’ll be infected by Colloidal Silver Snake Oil, Hand Sanitizer Slavery, and Sexually Untransmitted Disease.
Stupid: Buy Till You’re Blue In The Face
Awarded by: Carl
One of the stages of any outbreak or pandemic is the Grifting Stage. This typically comes after the media buzz surrounding a contagion finally reaches critical mass, and the public is already aware but not fully informed of what’s going on. That’s when conmen like Jim Bakker show up to hawk apocalypse food buckets and now coronavirus quack remedies to scared old people.
Bakker was recently sued by the state of Missouri and served a cease-and-desist letter by the FTC to remove a product called Silver Solution, peddled as a coronavirus cure. Oh, it’s also a SARS and HIV cure, too. Wow, that sounds like kinda a killer medicide, maybe want to patent that and get it legitimately sold? Medicine’s big money, Jim, a lot more than buckets full of mac n cheese and $124 bottles of bee vomit pills.
Colloidal silver is a bogus supplement additive that can possible turn you into a human Smurf. The Silver Solution is currently unavailable, but eager to see Bakker’s next health scare scam: pills made of actual horseshit.
Evil: Cuomo Forcing Prisoners to Produce Hand Sanitizer They Can’t Use
Awarded by: Krill
As if our mass incarceration crisis and ever expanding police state weren’t sickening enough, now New York Governor Andrew Cuomo has decided to exploit the slave labor it produces in an even more grotesque, and revealing, way.
In response to the enormous demand for hand sanitizer, and the price gouging that capitalism always generates in moments of crisis, Cuomo has decided to utilize the slave labor of the state’s ~57,000 prisoners to produce 100,000 gallons of hand sanitizer a week.
New Yorkers will soon be able to buy what health professionals say is a weak substitute for simply washing your hands, the state’s Dept. of Corrections won’t allow the prisoners producing it to have any because it is alcohol based, and thus contraband. Prisoners already have difficulty in acquiring the soap necessary for best practices in preventing the spread of Covid-19.
Prisoners are amongst the most vulnerable when it comes to this crisis as they’re kept in close quarters, can’t self isolate, and can’t receive the necessary medical attention due to woefully inadequate and abusive care policies.
Federal and State Governments are already short on tests. The odds that they provide any to the people they’ve thrown away may as well be 0. Unless dramatic humanitarian measures, such as releasing prisoners – or at very least providing adequate medical care – are taken soon the hand sanitizer Cuomo has mandated may as well be blood.
Horny: Sexually Untransmitted Diseases
Awarded by: Carl
If you’re about to hold a 99 person orgy in Ohio, you’ll be relieved to hear that only 100+ gatherings were banned in your state. Other such polycules are being torn apart by this unprecedented outbreak. Reports are coming in from all over the country of middle aged bank managers, dental assistants, and retirees of near-terminal cases of blue balls and bluer clits.
Swinger parties have been decimated by the disease. People are eyeing each others’ genitals from across single level ranch homes with worry and concern. Sex workers are resorting to lowly camming. Not even your neighborhood unicorn quad of Jill, Bob, Martha, Frank, Linda, Chartreuse, Josh and Opal are safe from this contagion, as their weekly fuckpuddle has all but evaporated as people have had to put their incessant kinky rutting on hold and shudder spend time with your loved ones. Taking care of your kids because they’re schools closed? When will this nightmare end? This is America, where we cherish the right to get fisted by your tennis coach while binging This Is Us!
It hasn’t effected everyone, however. For some, the time alone has made them hornier than ever. Thankfully, for all you lonely hearts with engorged junk, there is hope! Honking off, double-clicking your mouse still works miracles as it always has.
That does it for this week’s edition of Stupid, Evil, Horny, but we know you’ll be desperately tuning in next week after finishing your streaming queues, desperate the for the closest thing to human contact you’re likely to get in quarantine. Don’t worry though, you might be a captive audience, but we’ll be captive performers. Wash your hands!
Jean Krill is is the co-editor and co-founder of Zero Balance. His writing navigates the many disparate visions of a radically better future.