Welcome to Stupid, Evil, Horny where each week we take one of each and cough directly into your mouths for your reading pleasure. This week we got an all-Carl edition as Krill is dealing with a bunch of bullshit in the Economy. In This Economy?! Yes, indeed. Here we go!
Stupid: The Celebs Are At It Again
Awarded by: Carl
Always in our darkest moments, or moments of greatest performative concern, the celebs have always come to our aid to provide us with distraction-laced hope that asks little to nothing of us. One thing they have never failed to provide is a song.
Now with a pandemic cancelling movie premieres, Broadway shows, and everything else that involves stepping outside, the Celebs have decided to band together and sing us all a little ditty: a webcam version of John Lennon’s Imagine. Thank God a group of ultra-wealthy attractive people are singing us a song about a utopian post-capitalist society from inside their condos and mansions! Really hits home for me that everything in 2020 must be the more stupid version of what came before.
Our economy has come to a screeching halt and these jackoffs are singing a song about having no possessions. Well, that might end up being a reality for most of us, so I guess we’re entering the celeb sing-a-long economy.
Shut up. This isn’t helping, celebs. Donate your money or influence and get some fucking ventilators to NYC already.
Evil: Let’s Make a Deal
Awarded by: Carl
Like many people, I have a healthy distrust of emergent technology, since the utopian vision of the Internet turned into an ad delivery pipeline and mass murderer factory as soon as the suits got a hold of it. No different with the stock market right now, which is cratering, but hold on! That rot has some opportunity! From small scams to big, the sharks with their gleaming teeth are waiting to take a bite. There’s gold in them there piles of bodies! Several senators even got in on the grift, smelling an oncoming pandemic and selling their freakin’ STONKS while leaving us all with our asses hanging out.
One of the great Satans of modern culture, possibly the big one, is that human life is often quantified into a profit margin regardless of context or purpose. Everything must be a transaction, because the moral value of modern capitalism is “Does this make us more money?” regardless of the damage it does. The contradiction here is that the system cannibalizes itself because it has no values outside of this. It’s an unthinking machine that is in the process of leaking all its precious bodily fluids.
The reason that healthcare tends to expose these contradictions is that illness really doesn’t give a shit about your political or economic ideology. Everybody gets sick at some point, and even though wealth can insulate you, it can’t fully protect you. But that doesn’t mean you can’t make a buck!
Horny: How to Fuck in a Pandemic
Awarded by: Carl
Listen, I know I’m your new stepdad and you don’t know me that well. Your mom is taking a little Vicodin vacation on the couch and for some reason she wanted me to talk to you about… you know… the sex act. Why can’t you just learn this stuff from the magazines and news like everybody else?
You’re getting older. Your body is changing in ways that might seem strange or even a little scary. This is all normal. I mean, the international pandemic isn’t normal. The orange toddler talking about the “China viruses” with the perfectly normal OAN lady, that’s not normal either. None of this is, and I have no idea why this couldn’t wait until… where are you going? Don’t look it up on Wikipedia! That’s the Devil’s Encyclopedia!
FINE. OKAY. PENIS GOES IN VAGINA. OR NOT. USE A CONDOM. IF YOU’RE NOT ABOUT THAT, HERE’S SCISSORING. TRIM YOUR NAILS. USE LUBE FOR BUTT STUFF, IT’S POLITE. GENDER ISN’T REAL. WASH YOUR HANDS AND BITS WHEN YOU’RE DONE. YOU’RE WELCOME. TALK OVER. There. You know who you should really be thanking? That Doctor Oz on the TV.
Carl Wilhoyte is the co-editor and co-founder of Zero Balance. His work has appeared in Street Fight Radio, District Sentinel, Abomination Magazine, Bourbon Penn, and Farmhouse Magazine.