Welcome to Stupid, Evil, Horny where we take one of each and publish an op-ed that tells you to drink gasoline to fight the coronavirus because Jesus told you to! Thankfully, you’ve been brain damaged by lead poisoning and asbestos, so you’ll slowly nod and drool while the city bulldozes your condo with you inside. Lucky you!
Stupid – Missouri Man Tongue Terrorism
Awarded by Krill
It’s not uncommon for people in Missouri to get caught sticking their tongue where it doesn’t belong, but this week one man somehow managed to elevate a generally disgusting act to a potential felony.
The all too appropriately named tonguer in question, Mr. Pfister, is unafraid of COVID-19. In fact, he apparently thinks people are making far too big a deal about it. Whether due to the strength of his convictions or online clout psychosis Cody decided he’d show the world just how unafraid he is by going to Walmart and proceeding to lick various items in the aisles, punctuating it with “who’s afraid of coronavirus?”.
Unfortunately, something that would normally be typical immature stupidity actually carries immense risk in the midst of the COVID-19 outbreak. Were he to be carrying the disease without symptoms, licking the goods in a store would be tantamount to spreading the virus intentionally, which is why he’s being charged with making terroristic threats. While we remain staunch abolitionists and don’t want to see the man do time for his stunt, Corona-Cody will be sentenced to this week’s Stupid.
Evil – Who Funds The Federalist? Satan, Probably.
Awarded by Carl
The abject human wreckage known as the editorial board of The Federalist have been on quite a tear this week. Not only have they been promoting economic eugenics, they also recommended that people have “coronavirus parties” where they should intentionally infect each other to spread immunity. That’s not really how that works, it’s not the chickenpox, it’s a deadly virus with a 10x fatality rate of the regular flu and a 3x transmission rate.
Don’t get me wrong, the readers of The Federalist all coming down with a plague because they listened to a fucking dermatologist from Portland would be a disaster of their own making. I’m actually more concerned about them infecting people who aren’t completely gullible rubes. The op-ed by Perednia was actually, unlike NeoNazi accounts, deleted by Twitter and their main account was briefly locked. Social media has been taking false information about COVID-19 far more seriously than say, restoring the suspended accounts of trans people for describing themselves with their own terminology.
Horny – No Eating the Big Apple
Awarded by Krill
The COVID-19 pandemic has already cancelled all major sports. It’s put the kibosh on going to the movies. It’s ended parties and festivals and has touched practically every form of entertainment that might help pass the time in isolation short of TV.
Now it’s coming for your butt stuff.
New York City’s Department of Health released a memo about even safer sex as part of a public health effort to keep New Yorkers from getting sick while getting down, and among the recommendations was a clear warning about eating ass.
Apparently the virus can be easily spread via fecal particles/matter, and as such for the sake of safety they’re urging residents, and likely all the rest of us as well, to take a bootyhole hiatus for the duration of the pandemic.
A lot of people are already predicting a baby boom nine months from now, but we’re just as likely to see a booty beauty boom as millions of neglected asses are polished to a bright and sparkly sheen once the danger has passed. “The sun will come out tomorrow” and when it does, will be astonished at the polish in the place it usually doesn’t shine.
Carl Wilhoyte is the co-editor and co-founder of Zero Balance. His work has appeared in Street Fight Radio, District Sentinel, Abomination Magazine, Bourbon Penn, and Farmhouse Magazine.