Welcome to Stupid, Evil, Horny where each week we tweak one of each until they poke through our tantalizingly thin shirts and sear themselves onto your pudding soft brains. This week we’ve got CPAP claptrap, a Carney-ville barker, and the nip-slip governorship.
Stupid: CPAP CRAP
It is with a heavy heart I must admit Elon Musk is at it again. Determined to make the brand strong, he’s been making more obnoxious headlines during a crisis the only way he knows how: pretending to help. He donated 40 “ventilators” to the NYC Health + Hospitals System, but kinda forgot to mention they’re not actually the traditional ventilators that are most needed to save high risk patients, but a type of CPAP machine used to treat… sleep apnea.
But that didn’t stop him from slapping a Tesla sticker on the side and broadcasting to 33 million Twitter chumps that he was single-handedly stepping up to solve the scourge of loud snoring. Obviously he doesn’t think coronavirus is a serious threat, or at least he didn’t less than a month ago.
He then defended his fuckup by stating that these machines could be used as non-invasive ventilators for the less serious cases, but there’s conflicting evidence they could/should be used in such a way. But hey, Elon, you got your headlines and your Twitter metrics regardless, so what’s a few “facts” from “medical experts” to stand in your way? The Tony Stark of our times, who buys cheap CPAP machines for the exact retail cost of 1 Tesla Model 3! (Tesla shipped 88,400 cars by the way in Q1 Of this year, by the way.)
Evil: Jay Carney-val Barker
The best part about social media is also its worst: you find out very quickly what people think about you with no filter. For Jay Carney, he’s getting a first-hand lesson that the officials from the Obama administration are not as universally beloved as they think. Jay Carney was the White House Press Secretary from 2011 to 2014, undoubtedly the most impotent period of Obama’s Presidency where basically nothing happened.
Jay Carney is now the head simp for Amazon, America’s most beloved and important and strong and necessary company, with the nauseating title of Senior Vice-President of Worldwide Corporate Affairs. He decided to weigh in on a certain senator’s rather obvious worker concerns about how his boss’ company fired labor activist Christian Smalls who organized the Amazon walkout, revealing that Carney is maxing out his OnlyFans budget to buy Bezos feet pics.
The evil here is that Carney thinks his doodoo ass anti-labor opinion means anything to us, and that he’s setting the record straight where there’s actually no confusion whatsoever. This type of corporate turnstile from government to big business is the very thing we need to annihilate, and is emblematic of the Obama post-Presidency money machine. Smalls didn’t put anyone at risk, he was actually looking out for his fellow worker’s interests far more than Amazon’s lackluster coronavirus protections.
Horny – Superfreak Governor Andrew Cuomo
Andrew Cuomo has been trying to make a national name for himself during the Covid-19 pandemic, and during a press conference last week he may have done just that. The widely reviled 62 year old Democratic Governor of New York appeared in a white polo shirt that prominently displayed his pride and joy.
Like every wealthy scion of a political dynasty we all know Andrew is into some real freaky shit, and his revealing attire only confirmed it. Wing tips and pierced nips. Barbells during geohells. The honorable governor isn’t just concerned about illicit drug use, the tweaking he really cares about is happening to those glistening tips. Getting them suckers twisted with a chain for that good pain.
The vagrants populating his human zoo probably thought they finally had the upper hand when they almost tore his jewelry out, only to find that the most dangerous game was actually Andrew’s purple nurples.
While some people may be skeptical about the Governor’s body jewelry, the only real doubt is whether not the rest of Cuomo’s Eyes Wide Shut polycule finds his mods gauche. Those are for the plebs, but maybe his barbells help when hooking up the usual gold plated clamps to a car battery.
Whatever the truth, we can all agree the sonofabitch doesn’t deserve the simple pleasure of a good nipple tweaking, but nonetheless Governor Cuomo has earned this week’s Horny.
That does it for this edition Stupid, Evil, Horny, but come back next week for the continuing saga of deluded sicko freaks doing their best to drive us mad or into an early grave. Not even a pandemic can stop this intravenous drip-drip of horror. Until next time, stay safe, and inside.
Jean Krill is is the co-editor and co-founder of Zero Balance. His writing navigates the many disparate visions of a radically better future.