Welcome to Stupid, Evil, Horny where each week we set one of each loose from the menagerie to reap their bloody vengeance for years of captivity and all the horrible children who tapped on the glass. This week Ron Fucks Up Yet Again, November Pain, and Pervy Panda Privacy.
Stupid: RON GODDAMIT
Awarded by: Carl
This is Governor Ron DeSantis of Florida during a press conference. His state has almost 17,000 cases. Up until a week ago, he had not implemented a stay at home order. He thinks people under 25 are immortal. He’s a dumb pile of shit.
Here he is wearing one glove, no mask, and touching his goddamn face. Nothing more needs to be said. Here’s your trophy, Ron.
Evil: November Pain
Awarded by: Carl
You know how things really weren’t like this just a month ago? That we could actually go outside, or to a movie, or to work because we had jobs. Outside used to be normal. ABC News reported that US intelligence officials warned the White House as early as LAST FUCKING NOVEMBER that a serious pandemic was taking place in the Wuhan region of China. Nearly 5 months ago.
Trump is a vacant idiot manchild with the attention span of a gnat and a vindictive streak. He also doesn’t really read his daily intelligence briefings, which is where this information ended up, and spend the next months pretending nothing was happening.
So they ignored the problem until it became impossible, and are now ending federal support for many testing sites just as the infection rate is peaking. When you need to do the exact fucking opposite. Many of the sites will convert to state-run facilities, but many will just shutter. Awesome.
On top of this, Daddy Piss Pants is considering ending funding for the World Health Organization because they’ve been “wrong about a lot of things” and that they didn’t sound the alarm fast enough. They’re “China centric”, which is if you remember, where the pandemic started, so… there you go. Idiot, your own people told you in November this was happening, but since your brain is soaked in shrimp brine, everything just floats off. Ignoring the problem, strangling the response, and then threatening to strange international efforts to stop it is so cravenly cynical and irresponsible it boggles the mind. There are almost 500K confirmed cases in the US alone. What. the. Fuck.
Horny – Pandas Finally Have Some Privacy to Fuck
Awarded by: Krill
Pandas are notoriously anti-horny in captivity. Despite over 500 being held in captivity, as of 2017 only fifty-two have been born to the incarcerated. Biologists, zoologists, and every other ologist involved have developed their own theory as to why the famously lethargic animal simply won’t bone outside their natural habitat.
Some believe it’s because of a lack of competition amongst males for females. Still others think it’s because they were removed from wild social groups too early and don’t know how to fuck. But one pair in Hong Kong might provide another answer.
Ying Ying and Le Le have been together in the zoo for nearly ten years, and in all that time have never been in the mood for love. That is, until the COVID-19 lockdown finally gave them a bit of privacy. It’s one thing to take a shit while people watch. There’s almost a bit of rebellion to it. Behold as I take a huge turd in front of you, the nefarious gawking hordes who celebrate my imprisonment. It’s quite another to have them watch you smash. Especially when it’s your first time. Especially when you’re a famously solitary creature. Especially when there’s so much pressure. So many expectations.
It’s overwhelming. You don’t go from being a virgin to banging for an audience just like that. Where’s the romance? Where’s the ambiance? I’m sure Ying Ying and Le Le aren’ trying to kinkshame you for getting hornt while people watch, but exhibitionism just isn’t for them. Yet.
After self isolation and quarantine finally ends, there’s almost certainly going to be a baby boom, and for their contribution to the hornt cause Ying Ying and Le Le get this week’s Horny.
And that does it for this week’s edition of Stupid, Evil, Horny, but we’ll keep on serving up the most unpalatable swill to quench your noggin’s thirst until the taps run dry. So mosey on by next week, and until then, taker ‘er easy pardners!
Jean Krill is is the co-editor and co-founder of Zero Balance. His writing navigates the many disparate visions of a radically better future.