Welcome to Stupid, Evil, Horny where each week we lube up one of each and see just how much we can take. This week we’ve got Lie Fawkes, Stimulus Shenanigans, and Toy Story 69. Strap in, strap on, and gawk in amazement at….
Stupid: V For Vaccinated
Awarded by: Carl
You know it’s gonna be a good protest when the homemade Guy Fawkes masks show up. What are they gonna do, V for Vendetta the government to open back up? Very anarchist or libertarian or whatever the fuck of them.
In Michigan and Ohio, several protests have been staged against the state issued stay-at-home orders. Because even the state gubmint, which is supposed to be the good one when there’s an R next to their name, doesn’t even hold water when a national pandemic requiring even the most basic changes in behavior is somehow unacceptable.
Ohio has fared unusually well considering it’s a state governed by rightwing Bible-fucking morons who will probably try to ban abortion by the end of this sentence. Michigan has 22,600 cases, 85% as many cases as California, making these measures, I don’t know, kind of critical since MI’s infection rate is FOUR TIMES the most populous state in America.
Best part? The “protest” in Michigan is total astroturf, linked to a DeVos family funded organization. The demonstration thing which was supposedly to protect freedoms and liberties and such, actually stopped an ambulance from getting into a nearby hospital for ten minutes.
And yes, that’s a guy with a rifle. I’m tossing you fucking idiots your trophy from 6 feet away. Cough into each other’s mouths already.
Evil: Garnishing Stimulus With Farcely
Awarded by: Krill
I’m sure we’re all very excited to receive the 1200 Trump bucks our braindead overlords begrudgingly added to the stimulus as an afterthought. Really, the package was about shoveling giant piles of cash into the economic furnace to keep the market’s burning during the corona induced downturn.
While business has been handed trillions in bailouts, low or no interest loans, and tax relief we peons only rated what might cover rent on a one bedroom apartment in many cities. And according to Steve Mnuchin that should last 2 and a half months.
But, for many Americans who are already behind on their debts, it might not even last one day. Not even one hour. Not even one second because the Department of the Treasury has refused to write a rule preventing banks who receive the deposits from seizing them to pay creditors. Meaning if you have an outstanding loan with the bank your stimulus is deposited to they can simply seize it to apply to that debt.
So, while banks and creditors are being provided with trillions in stimulus and liquidity, they’re giving themselves a second stimulus. Yours. Over 20 million people are already unemployed, and when 40% of Americans still don’t have $400 in the bank, said banks are seizing what meager relief has been provided because the fucking insanely evil dipshits at the Treasury refuse to write a rule that Congress explicitly added language to the stimulus bill to allow.
This isn’t just mask off, this is a middle finger shoved into your face while the executive branch screams inches away “DIE, DIE YOU POOR SCUM, DIE, DIE ALREADY, FUCK YOU, DIE”. My response to that would be “No you”, but instead we’ll have to settle for awarding all of these disgusting fucks this week’s Evil.
Horny: Toy Stories
Awarded by: Carl
There’s one part of the economy that’s doing just fine: Ye Olde Dildo Shop, porn and junk food both being recession proof. Due to the combination of voluntary quarantine, social distancing, and no one having any jobs anymore, we’ve all done what comes naturally with intense boredom and steady access to the internet: cranking off constantly.
The sex toy and app industry is shooting ropes at their Q1 numbers. “Chad Braverman, chief creative officer for Doc Johnson, a North Hollywood-based adult novelties business, said sales were already booming — up double digits… rocketing 100% year-over-year for the last five days of March…”
From the Doc Johnson website: for all you terminally online folks, have you ever gotten so much clout someone made a mold of your genitals and then put your IG handle on it? I don’t care how many followers you got, you are not nearly on this level yet.
Question, how do you get to be the “chief creative officer” for a fuck toy company? Do you work yourself up from the Penthouse “letters to the editor” mailroom? What’s the interview like? “Tell me where do you see the future of honking off?” What’s your day like?
Your trophy, pocket pussy makers of America, will be delivered in a discrete package labelled “personal massager”.
That does it for this week’s Stupid, Evil, Horny, but as long as the idiotically cruel lube flows, perverts like us will keep cranking one out every week. So check back in next Friday for a new centerfold, and until then, stay inside and stay safe.
Jean Krill is is the co-editor and co-founder of Zero Balance. His writing navigates the many disparate visions of a radically better future.