Welcome to Stupid, Evil, Horny where each week we recruit one of each, hand them automatic weapons, strip them buck ass naked, and force them to invade your home yelling commands in a baffling and extremely racist patois. This week we have Influencer Insurgency, Pandemic Profiteering, and Blackface on Orgy Island.
STUPID: Florida Man Attempts Influencer Insurgency
Many a poster has been driven to drastic measures in pursuit of clout online. People will make wild and outlandish claims about their lives and experiences for engagement. They’ll lovingly craft a persona, a brand, to project everything they want to believe about themselves. Flaws become strengths, failures become success.
A former Green Beret and Florida Man’s conversation with the President’s bodyguard becomes a contract to overthrow the duly elected government of a sovereign nation. Massacring a few dozen brown people during the War on Terror apparently makes one a real Tzun-Tzu Machiavelli, who like Alexander the Great, Strikes deep into the heart of Caracas, or something.
It’s not everyday someone is so delusional, and so committed to posting, that they tweet about their incredibly illegal and incompetent attempt at launching a coup while doing it. If anything, the bumbling coup plotters were lucky getting captured pretty much the second they landed seeing as how they were as likely to shoot their own dicks off as topple the Venezuelan government.
While any attempt to meddle in the affairs of another country is heinous, we should at least be grateful that the Trump administration, thus far, at least seems to be too cheap, too lazy, and too stupid to do so effectively. By handing off the responsibility of actually doing the thing to self aggrandizing weirdos and some rich guy’s nephew who’s really good at Call of Duty we get real winners instead of the usual CIA death squads. I for one appreciate this one winning stupid, rather than evil.
EVIL: Masks Off
You know what the fun part of this pandemic is, which has left 76,000 Americans dead and over 1.2 million infected? Absolutely fucking nothing! And by fun, I mean “debilitatingly draining and anxiety to the point of nausea”! It’s the shameless corruption that we see all around us but are powerless to stop because we are all alienated individuals in the grist mill of capital and the worst human being imaginable are in power! My EYES BLEED it’s so much fun! I’m not screaming into the night or anything! I’M LEARNING TO CROCHET MY OWN NOOSE ON LYDIA.COM
The federal response to COVID-19 has fallen somewhere between “drunk uncle watching the toddler boil him pasta” to “fuck off and die”. A devastating report from Propublica details how an dangerously incompetent supply chain filled with shady price goungers and scammers has emerged to offer a fart of hope and little else while making big bucks off body bags and nonexistent PPE. This report is devastating in that it will be forgotten into the vortex of diarrhea called this year, a mere single turd in an avalanche of bad news that the Trump administration will float on while Joe Biden figures out how the Zoom works.
HORNY: Hot Jamaican Nights
Dear Abby,
I found out my favorite fuck resort with other middle-aged dental assistants and golf coaches, the one we were hoping would inject some red hot sexual fire into the dark abyss of our lives, has a Racism Night? Should my husband still get pegged by the bearded oncologist from Pensacola? Am I problematic?
Sincerely,
Horny Around Retired Racists In Every Town?
Dear HARRIET,
By all means bail on this one. It’s allowed, and unless you’re a cloistered dipshit, you should know a “Jamaican Night” is going to be racist as shit and I shouldn’t have to tell you this. You’re more likely to kill an anonymous sexual partner who is in a risk group
I’m sure there will be another cruise ship filled with lonely gas station franchise owners and their perfectly smooth, slightly clammy spouses. Just fuck each other in more weird and possibly dangerous ways until the intensity of your Viking funeral sex creates a modicum of passion between you. Hail Valhalla!
Sincerely,
Abby
P.S. What do I know about racism? I once told an indigenous parent to name their kid Harriet like you or some boring shit like that.
And that does it for this week’s edition of Stupid, Evil, Horny, but make sure to come back next week for all the infosec on Operation: Oriental Jonestown Hotwife which seems like something that would happen right now. Until then, we’ll keep the kool-aid warm, stock the playpen with lube, and get the spaceship ready for departure.
Jean Krill is is the co-editor and co-founder of Zero Balance. His writing navigates the many disparate visions of a radically better future.