Welcome to Volume 4 of Stupid, Evil, Horny; where we pick 1 stupid, 1 evil, and 1 horny person that each particularly got our sauces stirring in circles, just stirring in circles. This week we have a dire warning from the Italian Mafia about who runs the slurs in this town, a robot who wanted to be a real white supremacist enabler, and the world’s worst dog lover.
Stupid: Andrew Cuomo Gets Sauce Brain
Awarded by: Carl Wilhoyte
(This message was delivered via a brick through our office window.)
To that fucking zoccola ANDREW “PASTA LINGUINI” CUOMO,
Ayyy we do da freakin’ slurs in dis town, pal! Dis Andrew Cuomo guy went and dropped the n-bomb like he was in friggin’ Baghdad thinkin’ that Eye-talians still have the same discimininashuns as the blacks and the Jew guys. Motherless fuck did dat without even getting clearance from the boys. Dis is against protocols! Bada-bind-bada-boom he gets tha Stoopid for this, because his brain is goop like dat delishus spaghett sauce we all know and luv just like mamma.
We may hafta mollare qualcuno this paisan for making the Eye-talian community looks stoopid also. We ain’t all dat guy. This beyootiful heritage of dat Chef Boyardee, dah Supah Mahrio jumping guy (the kids love dat fat bastahd), the Scorsese, the DeNiro, the Coppolas, the DeVito, the Pesci, the Sinatras, the Papa Johns. We wear dees tracksuits with Eye-talian pride and celebrate dis Columbus guy and dat guy who invented the telephone first, whats-his-nuts. Che palle on dis Cuomo! He’s off the tiny boat that Vinny bought from Two Toes Malone.
We ain’t racist, we just know, ya know. We hope tah live in dah world where NO ONE says the W WORD or the G WORD or is a guastafesta for the children. We work long hours standing around at dah spaghett factory to make good, honest canned racism and dis guy and his brudda Fredo makes all of us looks like a stronzo. Enjoy yo Stoopid award, stoopid. Bafangool!
– Dat Mafia (from the Italy)
Evil: Mark Zucc Gives The Succ
Awarded by: Carl Wilhoyte
America’s most uncanny valley android, Mark Zuckerberg, has been reportedly meeting with white nationalist and conservative goblins at his homes (plural) to assuage them that he will treat their hate speech and incitement of racist violence with the gentlest of of touches. Like how a mother delicately caresses the soft head of a baby. This comes after waves of red-faced screaming from Trump and smooth-brained conservatives that Facebook, a platform which has never spread hate speech propaganda once, does not tickle their balls enough. American Goebbels Tucker Carlson was invited, along with transphobe and mass shooting mentor Ben Shapiro. (For all their pissing and moaning about China’s state censorship apparatus, I’m thinking they’re actually quite envious of it.)
They want the Big Succ from the Big Zucc, and wow, he is giving it to them with extra tongue.
Zuckerberg and Jack Dorsey of hellsite Twitter have reached out to these ghouls mainly because they’re just big chickenshits who worship money. They know for a fact they don’t and can’t effectively police their sites for hate speech, and in fact, carve out exceptions for political figures. Zucc states that he’s met with figures across the political spectrum, which to him means Neo Nazis with camera-ready haircuts all the way to the dead center of Jake Tapper. It’s not that they’re just coddling some of the worst human being alive, it’s that it’s such a blatantly transparent move to keep these psychos on their platform and avoid punitive legislation. I seriously doubt Zucc has met with the PSL or the Fourth International.
They also instinctively know, backed up by their extensive metrics, that anger and outrage are the main drivers of conservative spite, which pushes engagement which pushes ads. They have no ideology except one that protects their brand and steady revenue: a type of neutral evil that allows hate speech and automated alienation to break everyone’s brains. They also know that Trump and company do not want “free speech”, but speech that unilaterally and openly supports, praises, and furthers their agenda through concerted effort. Zucc, someday you might be a real boy, but for now, you’re just Racist Grandpa’s Skynet.
Horny: Sexy Vegan Arrested for Puppy Love
Awarded by: Jean Krill
A new scandal has rocked the 2020 Presidential race. Shocking supporters and politicos alike, new allegations of uncontrollable and illegal horniness have surfaced about candidate “Sexy Vegan”.
The only Presidential candidate claiming to be the only male celebrity famous for having a nice butt may just be jiggling those cheeks all the way to the hoosegow.
Originally rocketing to extremely minor celebrity in 2017, the man formerly known as Hansen Marion Bartolo III, gained notoriety for publicizing his legal name change, and corresponding face tattoos, to Sexy Vegan on the Dr. Phil show. During the appearance he was forcibly removed from stage for saying a bunch of swears while moonwalking, but subsequently reconciled with the good doctor and apologized during a second appearance.
He has been running on a platform of immediately outlawing the captivity of all living creatures, legalizing drugs (“legalizing drugs makes them less expensive) and prostitution, and providing universal housing for the homeles. His website details, in beautiful comic sans, his platform and general world view.
Facing up to a year in prison, Sexy Vegan has been charged in the sexual assault of his pit bull. In a classic campaign blunder, Candidate Vegan, an ass eating enthusiast, had previously sung about the cleanliness and desirability of his ass in songs like “Kissable Cheeks, Lickable Hole”, only to have the authorities hot on his tail after posting a video of his pet licking said hole.
In an effort at damage control, the Sexy Vegan campaign has released a video statement to reporters in which the candidate claims he “didn’t know bestiality was illegal” and that “he’s innocent of bestiality even though…”.
Whether the law believes his claims or not, the real question is, will voters? Was Vegan Sexy really just hanging out naked, doing extremely normal stuff, when his dog spontaneously approached and licked his butthole on the video he posted to his Twitter and then deleted after a wholly unexpected backlash?
I can’t speak to the truth of his or the state’s claims, but there is no doubt Vegan Sexy is extremely guilty of being horny, and has the record to prove it.
And that’s Stupid, Evil Horny for this week. Come back and see again some time, partner. We’ll have a fresh steaming pile of content just for you. Safe travels, friendos, make your sauce always be stirred and your timeline like that-a spicy meat-ah-ball!
Carl Wilhoyte is the co-editor and co-founder of Zero Balance. His work has appeared in Street Fight Radio, District Sentinel, Abomination Magazine, Bourbon Penn, and Farmhouse Magazine.