Welcome to Volume 6 of Stupid, Evil, Horny; where we pick 1 stupid, 1 evil, and 1 horny person who make a pass at every fish in our koi pond. This week we have the world’s saddest judge who lets his feelings out, the former Speaker of the House opening a new non-partisan think tank for common sense solutions (like hunting the homeless), and Hollywood’s new golden age for people who like it wet.
Stupid: Lawrence J.C. Van Dyke Squirts a Few
Credit: CNN
Awarded by: Jean Krill
I know what you’re thinking. Lawrence J.C. Van Dyke is an incredibly stupid name. An incredibly stupid name for an incredibly stupid man. Like many of the incredibly stupid men in this incredibly stupid country he is a Harvard educated lawyer.
Since leaving Harvard law school Van Dyke has used his positions in various state Solicitor Generals’ offices to fight environmental regulations related to clean power, clean water, and endangered species. He’s fought to oppose LGBTQ rights, immigration, and labor rights. He’s as much of a disgusting scumbag as anyone in the country.
His reward for constantly shitting on pretty much everyone is being one of the Trump administration’s nominees to fill a vacancy on the 9th US Circuit Court of Appeals. A job for which the American Bar Association has determined he’s not qualified, saying he “is arrogant, lazy, an ideologue, and lacking in knowledge of the day-to-day practice including procedural rules”.
Basically, my man’s a fucking idiot, and that Harvard JD says as much about his intelligence and abilities as the enormous shit I took after lunch says about my grasp of theoretical physics.
During his confirmation hearing, when confronted with the ABA’s determination that he is in fact an unqualified idiot who’s merely an instrument for the policies of equally worthless scum, he decided to try one of the oldest gambits in the book. He sobbed like a little fucking baby.
“They wuh so mueen im jus a wiw woywer pweese confwim me uwu” the stupid piece of shit may have thought to himself. He was “disappointed, shocked, and hurt” which makes sense seeing as how only one of the dumbest men alive could have so little self awareness.
Perhaps the stupidest part of this whole saga is that Van Dyke’s pathetic attempt at manipulating the narrative will be picked up by Senate Republicans, and waved as the least bloody of bloody shirts to rile up the conservative deathcult, and put pressure on cowardly Democrats to confirm him. Which will probably work.
God help anyone with a case appearing before this titan of dumb guy world.
Evil: Paul Ryan Opens Up a Stink Tank
Credit: Time
Awarded by: Carl Wilhoyte
Paul Ryan is not a dumb guy. He’s not a smart guy, though regardless of his completed unearned smarty-boy wonk persona he got from his tenure as Speaker of the House. What he is is a failure, and an evil one at that. He’s not happy with having threatened to rob millions of Americans of heathcare, pass tax cuts that qualify as class war, and opposed every basic human rights push. Despite his departure, he’s made out like a bandit, doing campus speeches and even secure a seat on the Dark Council of the American Enterprise Institute.
No, he wanted to dust off his necromancer robes and give the chainsaw for children a spit polish. He’s starting something called the American Idea Foundation, which sounds it oozes out of a libertarian’s tooth gap when he’s trying to explain bitcoin to a bored Applebee’s server. It’s stated goal is “fighting poverty, boosting economic opportunity and promoting ‘evidence-based’ reforms on issues like welfare, foster care and criminal justice.”
All of this jargon gobbledygook is meaningless, and hides the straight up linear continuation of his main legislative goals: the destruction of the social safety net and complete corporate control of the country. He will not be happy until we are all serfs and he suckles at the tit of the Black Goat with a Thousand Young. We assume this organization is founded inside of an obsidian obelisk hovering above Janesville, WI and emits highpitched static which makes you smell rust and rotting meat.
This type of American political second act is the worst kind of evil because these bullshit think tanks are what elected leaders listen to. They’re slush funds for corporate money to promote abjectly evil ideas and the continued suffering of millions. Paul Ryan will get to continue his faux persona of wonkish smartboy while summoning the Elder Gods from the depths of ancient seas. A hex on your foundation, Ryan.
Horny: Some Like It Cold & Clammy
Awarded by: Carl Wilhoyte
Hollywood is no stranger to pervs. It’s something the QAnon people, like all conspiracy morons, get half-right. The movie industry is currently being led by a cabal of foot fetishists, guys who can’t seem to date women their own age, actual rapists, and now: the horny people who want to fuck fish. The Shape of Water won 4 Oscars!
The following high-profile movies in the last few years have sexual encounters or romantic plots with fishpeople. Not specifically just mermaids, but fish people.
- The Shape of Water (2017)
- Aquaman (2018)
- The Lighthouse (2019)
- The Little Mermaid live-action remake (2020 maybe)
It really is the golden age for movies for people who want to fuck fish. What’s going on here? I know that mermaids have always had an erotic appeal in films. That’s literally been their folklore: they lure sailors to their deaths with their songs and feminine wiles so they can… eat them I guess? The combination of dehydration, starvation, and sailor horniness can be a powerful mixture. Sally Hawkins boinks an Amazonian fish god, Jason Mamoa gets to be buff Aquaman, Robert Pattinson gets to slam fish cheeks in a psychosis-induced wank session, and Halle Bailey gets to bone on 2 legs.
However, wonder if this new sexy fish fetish is some sort of PizzaGate code? Like I need to be drawing mind maps and taking eyedroppers of adrenochrome? I dunno, I’ve had a big Epstein brain this week and everything I look at is “pepperoni” or flight logs.
And that’s your Stupid, Evil, Horny content for this week. If you’re shopping around a “fishperson falls in love with a troop cop” script, best to put that in as drawer. Market’s too saturated, just like the seats of all these horny fish movies. In the meantime, have a good weekend. We’ll be putting in our applications at the American Idea Foundation with some fresh science-based concepts like “eating the rich” and “wedgie-ing Paul Ryan every time we see him”.
Carl Wilhoyte is the co-editor and co-founder of Zero Balance. His work has appeared in Street Fight Radio, District Sentinel, Abomination Magazine, Bourbon Penn, and Farmhouse Magazine.