Welcome to Volume 8 of Stupid, Evil, Horny; where we pick 1 stupid, 1 evil, and 1 horny person who find the good in everyone and just wanna be Congressional friends. This week we have a ridesharing company CEO calling a “oopsie doopsie” on the murder of Jamal Khashoggi, Chuck Schumer waxing Peter King’s ass till it shines, and some perv pilots who like to watch people tinkle.
Stupid: Uh Oh, An Uber-Oopsie!
Credit: Axios
Awarded by: Carl Wilhoyte
Uber is a terrible, unprofitable company whose main innovation has been to outsource the core means of production of their business to its employees, err its contractors. The one thing about the Uberconomy is its endless ability to innovate dumbasses, like Dara Khosrowshahi who this week with an interview with Dad News Axios compared the assassination of Saudi Arabian journalist Jamal Khashoggi to a “mistake”.
Yeah, just a big ol boo-boo, a real oopsie-daisy, they didn’t mean to kill an exiled journalist and then saw his body up! They even told me ‘Our bad, bro!’ and I was like ‘Yo dude, it happens.’
Uber CEO Dara Khosrowshahi, a 1,000% real, verbatim quote
The sheer idiocy of this is compounded by the Uber CEO comparing it to the March 2018 death of Elaine Herzberg by an Uber self-driving car. (I mean, the overreaction to self-driving car deaths might be a little overblown considering the sheer number of human powered car deaths.) Yeah, because those 2 things are totally the same, indistinguishable. Maybe if your brain runs like a computer, 1 death = 1 death, and the circumstances and context don’t matter. Especially if Saudi Arabia is the 5th largest shareholder in your company and Yasir Al-Rumayyan, the head of the SA Sovereign Wealth Fund, is on your board of directors. Khosrowshahi eventually backtracked, because of course.
This wasn’t a software glitch or a bad detection sensor. It wasn’t a mistake, and the fact he felt comfortable comparing this heinous assassination order by the crown prince of one of their biggest shareholders to a coding bug is passionately stupid, intentionally obtuse, and worthy of this week’s winner.
Evil: Chuck Schumer Tongue-Bathes Peter King’s Awful Legacy
Credit: New York Times
Awarded by: Carl Wilhoyte
To be fair, Chuck Schumer could win this award on a weekly basis for his impotent appeals to a literal fantasy Republican constituency. His imaginary suburban Republicans are moronic politically illiterate rubes who vote based on racist spite and hating taxes. So it’s no surprise that Chuck Schumer tweeted out a loving handjob to Congressman Peter King, who decided to not run for re-election this year.
Peter King is an absolutely evil dickhead who embodies the darkest impulses of the American ID. He’s Joe and Eileen O’Reilly’s congressman, and they voted for him because they hate brown people. He’s says there’s too many mosques, supports basically every endless war, opposes closing Guantanamo Bay, and has been on the front lines of persecuting refugees. He’s a real piece of shit, but he doesn’t win the prize. He’s par for the course, the same type of Neaderthal GOP ogre the Empire State has been pumping out since forever. He was called a “moderate” only because American politics is so heavily skewed towards abject psychopaths.
No, Chuck wins. He’s revising King’s legacy of warmongering, torture, inviting hate crimes and fear, the man’s unstoppable thirst for bloodshed and control. But because they were friends from the same state, everything’s okay. Being friends with someone like Peter King is a moral failing. Yes, Chuck, Pete did stick by his principles, and that’s exactly the problem. His principles are practically anti-natalist. Real evil is letting monstrous men rewrite their own trash history and helping them do it. Schumer is a moral coward more concerned with decorum and appealing to a mythical center-right position. Here’s your fucking trophy, Schumer, you simp. Go have a make-believe tea party picnic with the O’Reillys.
Horny: The Flying Piss-Peepers
Awarded by: Jean Krill
At times technology seems miraculous. It allows us to exceed our individual limitations, and perform incredible acts. We can move faster than any living creature, traversing vast distances in a fraction of the time it would take our puny legs to carry us. We can capture images of fleeting moments and distant places and relive those experiences for years. We can transmit information nearly instantaneously using signals invisible to the human eye.
It has taken tens of thousands of years, the sweat and labor of billions, and innumerable feats of human ingenuity to shape the accumulation of human knowledge into such amazing tools.
Not until 2017 had these technologies fulfilled their true potential. It took all of the ambition and skill of two visionary perverts to finally realize the dream a young Thomas Edison thought impossible. Watching people take a shit at 30,000 feet in the air.
The unidentified pilots for Southwestern Airlines started like all great innovators by identifying the problem. They were horny, but directly sexually harassing flight attendants is now frowned upon, and having sex in the plane made nearly impossible after 9/11. Without internet access, the ability to sate their perversions would be little better than a sailor’s on the tall ships of old.
But, did they give up? No. That would be un-American. They innovated. An iPad. A wireless camera. An airplane lavatory. Bada bing bada boom, from their seats in the cockpit they’re watching the bathroom.
For some reason, when a flight attendant entered the cockpit and noticed these enterprising pervert’s ingenious solution, she was incensed. Shamed, like all innovators and disruptors threatening old ways of doing things, the pilots claimed the cameras were installed as a “top secret security measure”. If those sickos in the TSA get to ogle the digitized curves of every tiddy and hog then surely national security would be at stake if the sky captains couldn’t keep a watchful eye on one of the most vital security points in the plane. Is it really diarrhea from the airport Chile’s, or a fiendish terrorist plot? Only by committing a sex crime could they be certain.
Suffice to say Southwest Airlines appreciates both innovation and national security, and has backed the pervert pilots all the way by denying any wrongdoing and retaliating against the flight attendant after she filed a lawsuit. Industry can’t stand in the way of progress, even if it requires horrific violations of people’s privacy and bodily autonomy.
Like many of our most celebrated elite, these pilots may just find themselves in the Forbes Top Innovators and Registered Sex Offenders lists.
That’s our Stupid, Evil, Horny for the week. Make sure to drop by every Friday for a new volume of the best of the worst. And if you “accidentally” murder a journalist at the order of a crown prince, make sure you have a billionaire idiot ready to bail you out. Have good weekend! Or don’t, we don’t have a say in the matter.
Carl Wilhoyte is the co-editor and co-founder of Zero Balance. His work has appeared in Street Fight Radio, District Sentinel, Abomination Magazine, Bourbon Penn, and Farmhouse Magazine.