Welcome to a very special Thanksgiving edition of Stupid, Evil, Horny. The leaves have changed, the days have grown short, and the season for denouncing your grandma as bourgeois revisionist scum has arrived. But, before you ship pop-pop and gam-gam off to the re-education camps there are other ancient bastards to cancel.
That’s right. This week SEH is reaching back into the murky past to recognize the very same murderously idiotic freaks responsible for the annual family struggle session.
Stupid: The Pilgrims Trying and Failing to Die
Awarded by: Jean Krill
A feature of nearly every human civilization is a group of insufferable weirdos everyone hates finally taking a hint and fucking off to try and live out their stupid ideology somewhere else. Like modern seasteaders the Pilgrims had no fucking idea what they were doing, and almost certainly would have died 99 times out of 100. Sadly, we live in one of the worst of all possible timelines.
When I say the Pilgrims and Plymouth Colony were the Baroque equivalent of hapless libertarian weirdos dying from scurvy I’m not kidding. The Pilgrims arrived in North America in November without enough food to last the winter.
They didn’t know how to hunt. They didn’t know how to fish. They didn’t know how to farm. They didn’t even have any seed to try. It wasn’t simply that the flora, fauna, and climate of N. America was new to them, and they needed to adapt. No, they couldn’t do any of those things in the Old World either. They got so mad about theological pedantry they packed all their shit onto a boat and went half way around the world where they should have starved to death from being the dumbest motherfuckers in all of England.
Evil: Also The Pilgrims, Desecrating Graves And Doing Massacres Like 5 Minutes After Arriving
Awarded by: Jean Krill
As if being so insufferable that even the English want you to fuck off doesn’t say it all, pretty much the second the Pilgrims hit the ground in the New World they started doing evil shit.
The Pilgrims had hardly explored the shores of Cape Cod for four days before they had robbed the graves of my ancestors and stolen their corn and beans. Mourt’s Relation describes a searching party of sixteen men. Mourt goes on to say that this party took as much of the Indians’ winter provisions as they were able to carry.
WAMSUTTA (FRANK B.) JAMES
So, the freaks who’d left European shores due to the supposed intolerable immorality of their religious and political leaders get to N. America and immediately start robbing graves and stealing from Native winter food stores.
The darkest irony being the graves were of those who’d died from disease spread by a previous European expedition. An expedition that enslaved those that weren’t left to die from smallpox. The Pilgrims later made amends by massacring a delegation of Massachusset at a “peace summit”.
Horny: You Better Believe It’s The Pilgrims Being Sickos
Awarded by: Jean Krill
Like most religious extremists, the Pilgrims were real fuckin’ sickos. These people were pathologically horny in ways that make the quaint thirst of instagram reply guys almost charming. The extreme repression of anything that even hinted at the hornt in day to day life was one of the defining characteristics of their governance, and with predictable results.
Driving a teen to beastiality by suppressing all healthy forms of sexual expression, and then executing them for it? Yup. Having one of the most famous books in the English language be about criminally prosecuting and punishing a woman for sex? Oh yeah. Clearly all signs of an extremely normal and healthy society.
I don’t think it’s a stretch to say the feverish investigation and prosecution of anyone even thinking about a tiddy was itself an insight into the sadistic perversions of Pilgrim mindset. Modern perverts with their chastity implements, whips and chains could probably have taught these repressed freaks a thing or two about working through their issues with sex.
The Pilgrims are one of the best examples of the angry horny conservative trope in history. You can draw a straight line from these baroque perverts to today’s bald-eagle-molon-labe AOC reply guys.
And that’s it for this special Thanksgiving edition of Stupid, Evil, Horny. I’d like to thank the mouldering corpses of some of the worst people in the world for leaving such a dogshit legacy. Truly, without their murderous idiocy and puritannical vision none of this would be possible. Or necessary.
Make sure to dump the gallon of pigs blood onto the table after the turkey is carved, and join us again next week to see what fresh hell awaits.
Jean Krill is is the co-editor and co-founder of Zero Balance. His writing navigates the many disparate visions of a radically better future.