Welcome to Volume 10 of Stupid, Evil, Horny where we pick 1 stupid, 1 evil, and 1 horny story where you can find Holocaust beach towels, a fake university that robs and deports you, and a surefire way to sunburn your bunghole! Since Krill did the honors last week, this is an all-Carl edition.
Stupid: Auschwitz Beach Towels
Awarded by: Carl Wilhoyte
Amazon is just a delight, isn’t it? You can get anything: a 55 gallon drum of lube, actual uranium, or even a house. You could, up until very recently, get an assortment of Christmas ornaments, beach towels, mousepads, and other products with actual Holocaust imagery on them. There’s not enough “Yikes, folks” to go around for this one.
There’s nothing inherently wrong with taking a picture of a historical site and selling it as either a work of art or for historical significance. Maybe not wrong as in morally abhorrent, but perhaps it’s a tad in bad taste to sell death tourism as a commodity. What’s even in worst taste is sell a goddamn shower curtain, hoy boy, lot going on there.
The real issue here is not really products in bad taste or even intentional racism, it’s that Amazon has built a marketplace that it can’t effectively police. It’s not even their first brush with offensive or dangerous products. Not even their second. Or third. (It’s not just Amazon either being this dumb, it’s print-to-order places like ShopPixels as well) They can figure out how to use your goddamn doorbell to help spy for the cops, but they can’t even screen their own inventory. Thanks, Jeff!
Evil: Get Your Degree (and Deportation) at Fake University
Awarded by: Carl Wilhoyte
Presenting one of the most callous, genuinely despicable things I’ve seen recently. Farmington University was created in 2015 under President Obama and began operations in 2017. It had no on-site classes and a small enrollment number of approximately 600. No big deal, right?
The secret is that it’s actually a fake school run by Immigration and Customs Enforcement as part of an operation called “Paper Chase” to nab student who overstayed their visas. OoOOOOooOOoh, scaaaary students! Yes, ICE ran an entrapment ring posing as a university. Over 250 students who were legal visa holders were arrested as part of an immigration sting from, get this, their student visas not being valid because the school wasn’t real. It was even falsely accredited by an accrediting agency in cooperation with ICE.
The state media of Fox News is happy to point out that Paper Chase was started under Obama instead of President Damp Toddler, intentionally ignoring how pointlessly sadistic this tactic is regardless of who does it.
These were undocumted immigrants who snuck over the border. These were LEGAL VISA HOLDERS, the supposedly “good” kind, who were made illegal through no fault of their own, paid over $12,000 a year in tuition, then were deported after being robbed and scammed by our government. Also, they got no degrees and none of their credits are transferable. This has nothing to do with legality, because the students were already legal immigrants. To the racist right, there is no “legal way” for black or brown immigrants to come to America because the racist right sees their very existence as unwanted.
This one belongs in an Evil Hall of Fame.
Horny: Where The Sun Does, In Fact, Shine
Awarded by: Carl Wilhoyte
If you feel a burning desire to show your asshole to nature and then post about it, it’s not really about your health anymore. I mean, something else is going on at this point. Perineum sunning, or as the kids like to call it “gooch roasting”, is the practice of spreading them cheeks and letting nature’s spotlight caress your bungus. This increases chi energy or some shit, I don’t know. It’s the hot craze, even Thanos is doing it. (Careful you mad titan, you’re gonna get an Ant Man up there.)
The point is you get to show your butthole to the world and if that’s your thing, just have that be your thing. You don’t have to dress it up as some sort of health remedy from Atlantis. If you want to be publicly nude with other consenting people, go sun your asshole on a rock like a lizard until the end of time! Make sure to pick up a fine custom beach towel from Amazon! This is America, where you can get hornt and show your adoring guests all the asshole they want.
Instagram user Ra_of_Earth first promoted the practice in a video this week showing three men spread eagle next to each other, going “Mmmmmmm” when describing the sensation. Most of his posts are him shirtless, tanned, oiled, posing with other healthy attractive people. This is not about health anymore. Come on, guys. This is kink. (And of course there’s a piss drinking guy on there, too.) Health weirdos have this necessity to dress up desires to flaunt social taboos such as public nudity or guzzling peepee as some sort of medical treatment when it’s really just what they want to do all along.
Carl Wilhoyte is the co-editor and co-founder of Zero Balance. His work has appeared in Street Fight Radio, District Sentinel, Abomination Magazine, Bourbon Penn, and Farmhouse Magazine.