Welcome to Volume 3 of Stupid, Evil, Horny; where we pick 1 stupid, 1 evil, and 1 horny person that each particularly got our poster’s sense tingling for justice. This week, who funds giving the Federalist CTE and making them post, Ellen has a cuddle sesh with her new war criminal BFF, and lady boners for AOC’s new cut.
Stupid: John Daniel Davidson, sent to Re-Education Camp for SPEAKING THE TRUTH
Awarded by: Carl Wilhoyte
Who funds The Federalist? A famous meme question tossed at the conservative pedo-supporting rapist loving rag any chance people get. Whatever demon pumps money into this site’s ass, it’s got cum brain because this week’s Stupid winner is a fucking doozy. With the brain-expanding headline If Woke Corporations Had Police Power, They Would Act Exactly Like Communist China, you know you’re in for a trip to the center of John Daniel Davidson’s mind palace.
China has reeducation camps for Muslims who don’t embrace communism. It’s not hard to imagine leftists in America supporting reeducation camps for Christians who don’t embrace gay marriage or transgenderism. Coercive force, even government force, is perfectly fine to them if it’s used in service of the left’s agenda.
Wait, are the Muslim concentration camps good or bad? I don’t know, you guys tend to not care if it’s Abu Ghraib or a migrant detention facility. Those are good, or they’re the bad black President’s fault.
We all know what happened to Jack Phillips, the Christian baker who declined to make a custom wedding cake for a gay couple and, having been vindicated before the U.S. Supreme Court, still faces ongoing persecution and legal battles.
Jack Phillips wasn’t “vindicated” by the SCOTUS, the justices simply ruled the prosecution had an aggressive anti-religious bias in their case, not ruling on whether or not Jack Phillips could legally be a bigoted piece of shit. A nuanced distinction, but look at who we’re talking about here.
Conservatives like Davidson have a particular dumb brain when it comes to casting themselves as victims. Anything that expands rights for other must take something away from them. Davidson hilariously overplays the persecution angle because his one example, Jack Phillips? Nothing happened to him! His other examples: Charles Murray gets a cushy job at the American Enterprise Institute, the teacher who refused to use a trans student’s pronouns just got fired. None of those people got sent to a camp! But they would, you see, if the bluehair snowflakes, who are giant cowards and emotionally fragile, somehow overthrew the US.
He finally ties it back in by referring to Activision Blizzard unilaterally banning Chung Ng Wai from Hearthstone for voicing support for the recent Hong Kong protests. First of all, this is a private company who only cares about money, another famous leftist concept. But this is a dangerously woke corporation who punished a gamer, America’s true heroes, for supporting “Chinese autocrats” doing notoriously woke things like… running concentration camps? He simply can’t seem to figure out if making money is good or not.
But if you don’t use pronouns, the Gender Gestapo will castrate you and toss you in the hoosegow where you’ll have to pray to Xi Jinping, all the while having to listen to RuPaul read porno to toddlers! The horror!
Enjoy your trophy, while you still can!
Evil: Ellen DeGeneres Just Wants a BFF, Ya Know?
Awarded by: Jean Krill
You have to meet people where they are. Sometimes that means meeting them in the owner’s box at the aptly nicknamed “Death Star” that is AT&T Stadium, home of the Dallas Cowboys. Hero of the people, Ellen Degeneres, took the good fight to Jerry Jones and George W. Bush in the suite Sunday while enjoying the Cowboys-Packers matchup. The liberal darling shocked credulous fans with her chummy display of friendship with the famously homophobic former president.
Surely she was only palling around with two of the most amoral pieces of shit on the planet in an effort to make them see the error of their ways, right?
Of course not! Ellen knows that some people believe torture, extraordinary rendition, mass surveillance, opposing your right to exist, and 116,000-1,000,000 dead Iraqis was good, and that’s just their opinion. You’ve got to respect it. You can’t simply write someone off for starting a war under false pretenses that wipes out entire generations of people and destabilizes a region for the benefit of your friends and patrons. That would be petty.
You have to be friends with both sides. Be nice to everyone. If we all ostracized every war criminal and every enabler of war criminals, why, the rich couldn’t have any powerful friends in politics at all, could they?
In fact, Ellen is a true patriot. A shining example of how ordinary hundred millionaires can cooperate with the CIA for what I’m sure are normal not at all manipulative and psychopathic reasons.
Surely we can all agree that it’s unreasonable to expect the rich and powerful to have empathy for us pathetic lowly scum. It would simply be asking too much.
Horny: Alex Swoyer’s Lady Boner for Socialist Styles
Awarded by: Carl Wilhoyte
We’re not doing an official reading series or anything, but this week we got some lady boner from Alex Swoyer of The Washington Times aimed at their favorite forbidden fruit Alexandria-Ocasio Cortez for the crime of getting a nice hairstyle. If anything gets horny boomers going, it’s AOC and her socialist skin-care regimen, put-together appearance and dancing skills. Her politics are atrocious to them but there’s just something about her that causes them to need to take a little blue pill.
Apparently AOC didn’t get the memo from the DSA Politburo that you’re supposed to dress like a dirty mountain person in a hairshirt and eat clumps of grass. If you appear poor enough, conservatives must legally take all your political opinions seriously and stop disliking you. It’s Fashion Law, and the Fashion Police will arrest you at take you to a concrete cube with bad lighting.
Here’s the secret: you’ll never be poor enough, never desperate enough for rightwing media to sympathize with you. Their job is to hate you. If you look bad, you’re a loser and socialism sucks. If you look good, you’re a hypocrite for enjoying consumer commodities. This is because to them, socialism is a philosophy of romanticized poverty, or you’re irrationally jealous of the rich. You can never have deeply held beliefs against capitalism and enjoy getting lowlights. (She also suggests that AOC live in a studio apartment.)
The best part is when Alex Swoyer, who looks pretty well put-together herself, suggests AOC go get her haircut at the same place Jeff Sessions does. That’s right, Jeff Sessions, the Keebler Elf with a Boy Scout part on the left. Alex, you first, you get your shit fucked up at Capitol Hill Basement SuperCuts. If there’s anything “Hollywood for Ugly People” aka Washington DC is known for, it’s sex appeal. Alex was nice enough to publish the Congresswoman’s very appropriate dunk on her, so maybe this is a “Mommy AOC step on me, please” situation? What’s certain is this is conservative horny of the highest caliber.
Carl Wilhoyte is the co-editor and co-founder of Zero Balance. His work has appeared in Street Fight Radio, District Sentinel, Abomination Magazine, Bourbon Penn, and Farmhouse Magazine.