Welcome to Volume 7 of Stupid, Evil, Horny; where we pick 1 stupid, 1 evil, and 1 horny person who can’t stop openly weeping on TV when they get taxed a single crusty penny. Elizabeth Warren is all up in our shit, as she’s quickly becoming the consensus candidate for the liberal establishment. Thankfully, she’s not doing phrenology for once! Enjoy! Or don’t, we’re not your dad. (Or are we?!)
Stupid: Leon Cooperman, Person of Means, Gets Verklempt About Wealth Taxes
Awarded by: Jean Krill
Despair can be deadly. Which is why it’s so concerning that this fall is shaping up to be such a sad season for powerful Americans. Reactionary judges and murderous cops have really been in their feels, but now the epidemic has spread.
I regret to inform you that the billionaires have been affected by depression.
Leon Cooperman, net worth ~$3 billion, was letting it all out on CNBC this week. While talking about the current president, and the upcoming 2020 election, the former Goldman Sachs executive and hedge fund manager couldn’t hold back the wave of emotions he’s been trying to bury deep down near his alleged conscience.
Why? Because he cares. “This country is being torn apart” by Donald Trump being so rude, and as a result, filthy radicals like Elizabeth Warren are emboldened to “vilify” himself and other noble job creators. He hates being called “a deadbeat” just because he has so much money. Why, he’s even going to give it all away just like Bill Gates. Why, he’s already given millions to his alma mater Columbia Business School and Birthright.
He hasn’t felt this attacked since 2016 when the SEC charged him for insider trading. I can’t even imagine the anguish of being attacked for merely receiving non-public information from the President of a company and then making millions of dollars from it. What good are friends if they can’t even help each other out?
Hell, the part owner of American Media, parent company of the National enquirer, has barely recovered from the dastardly Obama who was apparently waging class warfare by not being nice enough to the rich while handing them giant bags with dollar signs on the side after imploding the global economy.
Cooperman believes in Donald Trump’s policies, they’re just like the Gipper’s, but the man is dang rude he’s ruining everything!
Cooperman is a very sensitive smol billionaire. Pwease be nice to him ~uwu~.
Evil: Greg Ip of the WSJ Arguing Too Much Healthcare Is Bad
Awarded by: Carl Wilhoyte
Greg Ip is the Chief Economic Commentator for the Wall Street Journal, which is like being the most high profile turd scraper in the world’s most boring cistern. The big difference is that turd scraping is an actually useful function, and being a op-ed writer for WSJ is not. He writes articles with titles like ‘Peak Car’ Is Holding Back the Global Economy, so you know your brain is going to get nice and squishy while reading it. His latest op-ed is If Warren Scraps Private Health Care, Beware the Unintended Consequences, a much softer, misleading title than the reality of him saying a Medicare For All system might have the unintended consequences of *gasp* being used.
Which is of course, the opposite of what private healthcare wants: to collect premiums and pay out nothing. Every patient they pay out to is a literal loss, and thus have to dance between completely denying all claims, which they would love, and not appearing to do that. Private healthcare has no financial incentive to actually deliver its service.
There’s a lot to hate in this article’s cold indifference to the fact that in 2009, 45,000 died per year due to lack of healthcare. That was 12,000 more people that died in car accidents that year. One of Ip’s big arguments is that healthcare would be less attractive as a financial career, and mystically muses they might go to other fields. The fact that there are teachers at all disproves this.This is the nugget that makes this a lame pro-corporate argument against Medicare for All and morphs it into true evil territory.
Private insurers guard against overuse of health care by regulating which care givers members can see, and how often.
Ip quoting Jonathan Gruber, a health economist at MIT.
Hold up. Guarding is what you do when you are being attacked. Private health insurance doesn’t “guard against overuse”, they ration care and allow people to die because they are unprofitable. He then goes on to dunk on Medicare Advantage Plans, which are a public private hybrid and not what Warren is proposing. The unintended consequences he is describing are only bad for private insurers, who seek to gain nothing in a truly decommodified healthcare system. He misrepresents the problem and the solution in the breathless defense of an indefensible industry. He would be better served by actually scraping turds than spreading this trash into our noosphere.
Horny: Ben Garrison Gets Hot for Climate
Awarded by: Carl Wilhoyte
Friend of the site Xyklon Ben is having a real goddamn normal one. Here’s the text of this comic, boiled down to its essence: Ben Garrison is drawing the spanking of a 16 year old girl by Mother Earth, who has pornstar-sized tits and cleave, while animals with their tongues out and anthropomorphized weather look on in approval. That frog? Horny. That lizard? Horny. That sun that looks like Dril? Just finished. That cloud? Mid-blowing his load, pun intended. Mother Earth squishing the planet? Secret balloon fetish.
I thought I was reading maybe too much into this, but no. Step back, Windex your mind with a handful of psilocybin mushrooms, and look at the world with a clean, accurate perspective. Ben Garrison desperate wants to fuck, but the world he wants to crank in wags its finger at him. He gets his hairy knuckles rapped by some invisible nun, so he has to express his barely hidden sweatpants boner by drawing psychosexual shit like this. Ben, you’re allowed to beat off, dude, to adult women or men! Like being barefoot, honking off is legal.
I have about 9700 questions for Garrison that would resemble a DSM-V assessment for Horny Conservative Syndrome. This particular pathology causes self-proclaimed cultural conservatives to be both repulsed and attracted to progressive figures like AOC and sexualized media like butt beer videos. It makes them double horny, because not only is what they want sexually desirable to them (a 16 year old girl, yuck), but they can’t have it! So why not do the next best thing: infantilize and also sexualize a teenage climate activist while pushing a blackpilled climate nihilism born from corporate disinformation and cultural resentment. This is how Garrison cums.
And that’s your Stupid, Evil, Horny for this week. We’d like to thank all the dumb awful and aroused folks who make this series possible, and readers like you, who are cool and attractive. Stay tuned for next week’s edition for more fresh baked hell, piping hot from the internet’s oven. We’re like your content Nana now, and you’re not leaving until you eat your fill.
Carl Wilhoyte is the co-editor and co-founder of Zero Balance. His work has appeared in Street Fight Radio, District Sentinel, Abomination Magazine, Bourbon Penn, and Farmhouse Magazine.