Welcome to Stupid, Evil, Horny where each week we strap one of each into the cockpit of a supersonic jet to release chemtrails while flying over your rapidly dying brain. This week we’ve got Supersonic Superspreaders, Freedom to Be Forced Back To Work, and Flagging Fornication.
Stupid: Thunderbirds Honor Frontline Workers By Discouraging Social Distancing
Awarded by: Krill
Morale in New York City is low. The current epicenter of the worldwide COVID-19 pandemic has seen more than 160,000 confirmed cases and 12,000 deaths from the virus while city and state leaders’ responses have ranged from incompetent to antisemitic.
Hospitals in the city have been overwhelmed for over a month now, and while the number of new cases are slowly decreasing, the trauma and stress has been mounting for health care workers with tragic results.
While citizens have found a safe way to follow social distancing guidelines while showing their appreciation with nightly rounds of 7pm clapping to honor frontline workers, the USAF decided something way stupider and more dangerous was necessary to raise spirits. The Air Force decided a fly over by the Thunderbirds Air Demonstration Squadron would get people pumping fists and screaming “hell yeah!!!!” thus filling the air with enormous quantities of potentially infectious droplets like no amount of clapping ever could.
People were so hyped to see the dumbass jets go *zooooom* they gathered in large groups outdoors to get a glimpse. Eyewitnesses likely didn’t report seeing some pretending their unwashed hands were planes that they flew directly into the gaping mouths of their fellow gawking idiots who laughed and clapped.
Truly there’s no better, or stupider, way to honor health care workers than making sure they never get to stop doing what they’re best at. Selflessly treating endless flows of COVID-19 patients until they have mental breakdowns.
Evil: Forcing People Back To Work By Cutting Unemployment Benefits
Awarded by: Krill
The rush to reopen states and the economy at large in the midst of the COVID-19 pandemic is incredibly stupid and evil all on its own, but they’ve somehow found a way to make it even moreso.
All of the bullshit talk around the extra $600 provided by the Federal government to bolster meager state unemployment insurance payments letting people make more than they would if they were working has predictably led to an evil solution.
If someone has been laid off or furloughed during the pandemic, if their state reopens and they fail to report back into work when instructed by their boss they can be fired with cause, thus making them ineligible for unemployment benefits.
This is the existing coercion forcing people into exploitative employment on steroids. The bargain is no longer “eat your bosses’ shit, or starve” it’s now “eat your bosses’ shit and risk death, or starve”.
For those wondering how this could be justified, look no further than the Labor Department’s recent guidance that fear of being exposed to COVID-19 is an insufficient reason to stay home and continue collecting benefits.
It’s almost like they’re begging for militant labor to make a comeback. Let’s see that it does.
Horny: Fuckin’ N Suckin’ Line Goes Down?
Awarded by: Krill
While producers and purveyors of sex toys have enjoyed an expanding market during the pandemic, condom maker Durex has reported flaccid sales. It seems the horny futures market might just be a bust.
Maybe this just means that people are throwing caution to the wind and going at it raw. Perhaps it’s fewer hookups like the data showing a decrease in STIs suggests. Or, maybe as one Kinsey Institute researcher suggests, people are simply having less sex.
It seems hard to believe actual instances of smashing have gone down while conspicuous displays of unhinged horniness have been on the rise, but maybe there really is a silent majority strapping off instead of on.
In spite of the deflating stats, there’s still hope for some of the hornt. Aside from the fact getting off might help beat back the omnipresent corona-related anxiety, a new study suggests COVID-19 can’t be transmitted through semen. Unfortunately, though, eating ass and other butt stuff is still off the menu.
That does it for this week’s edition of Stupid, Evil, Horny, but make sure to check back in next week for another dose of mind altering and mood adjusting pablum. In the meantime, we’ll consult with our handlers about adjusting your dosage to keep that brain perfectly smooth, just like ours.
Jean Krill is is the co-editor and co-founder of Zero Balance. His writing navigates the many disparate visions of a radically better future.