Welcome to Volume 9 of Stupid, Evil, Horny; where we pick 1 stupid, 1 evil, and 1 horny person who are just really, really excited for Pete Buttigieg enough to humiliate themselves in a conference room set to Panic! at the Disco. This week we have 3 incredibly strong winners, and when that happens, we all lose.
Stupid: The High, High Dopes
Awarded by: Carl Wilhoyte
The blood of the sacrificial charter school student spills hot, steaming over the cold stone altar, the air reeking of copper. The willing acolyte smiles as the light leaves their eyes, happy to serve their purpose. The half-filled conference room grows strangely dark as the arcane ritual begins…
Had to have high, high hopes for a living
Shooting Afghans so I could make a killing
Always a dime but I don’t had a vision
Always had high, high hopes
Had to have high, high hopes for a living
Didn’t know what are feelings
I was gonna be that one that makes a billion
Always had high, high hopes
Mama said
Fulfill the prophecy
Summon the Chaos Greater
Go make a legacy
MANIFEST DESTINY
Back in the days
We wanted everything, wanted everything
Mama said
Burn your NDA’s
Rewrite your post history
Light up those civilians
Hollow victories, everyday
We wanted everything, wanted everything
Mama said don’t give up, it’s a little complicated
All tied up, no more love and I’d hate to see you waiting
Had to have high, high hopes for a living
Doing sacrifices for the ritual killing
Always a dime for the true blood vision
Always had high, high hopes
Had to have high, high hopes for a living
Arcane energy is a feeling
I was gonna be the one that kills a million
Always had high, high hopes
Mama said
It’s uphill for children of absolute unearned privilege
The stranger crusaders
The Corpse God Wills It
The weird and the novelties
Sign this McKinsey NDA
We wanted everything, will consume everything
Stay up on that rise
(RISE MY BROOD)
Stay up on that media high and never come down
(ALL IS DESPAIR, ALL IS NIGHT)
Stay up on that rise
(RISE FROM YOUR TOMB)
Stay up on those pills and never come down
THE WAY IS OPEN
THE BLACK HORRORS COME FORTH
SURRENDER YOUR WEAK, STINKING FLESH
SIGN THIS NDA PLEASE IT’S FOR COMPLIANCE
YES, WE USE DIRECT DEPOSIT
MEDICAL AND DENTAL FOR PELL GRANT RECIPIENTS
ALL HAIL THE GREAT NEGATING
ALL HAIL THE TRUE BONE MOTHER
CONSUME ERADICATE
BE REBORN IN THE DARK LIGHT
ALWAYS HAD HIGH HIGH HOPES
Evil: Jim Halpert, CIA
Awarded by: Carl Wilhoyte
I’m sorry, after playing a likable, down-to-earth working class guy on The Office for 9 seasons, it’s hard to take John Krasinski seriously as an action star. But not from lack of trying on his part. He’s turned his eyes on playing more “serious”, action-oriented roles like Guy With Beard in 13 Hours: The Secret Soldiers of Charlie Daniels’ Twitter Account and now Jack Ryan, CIA Guy in the eponymous Amazon TV series. Man, Amazon really thought Venezuela was going to pan out with that Guaido guy, didn’t they?
But ho boy, did they fuck that up. Venezuela in Jack Ryan Season 2 isn’t led by Maduro, a leftist leader, but rather a rightwing fascist nationalist, like the person in charge of Bolivia right fucking now. It’s news headline dart board where everything is topical but nothing is “political” (i.e. not taking a moral stance against US imperialism).
The real evil here is the not-quite-so-subtle view that the CIA should militarily intervene in Venezuela because THE RUSSIANS (OoooOooOoOoOh *rattles chains*) are selling them weapons. Okay? We sold Saudi Arabia, a Wahhabist monarchy engaged in a genocidal campaign in Yemen, like $8 billion worth of military weapons this year. Should Venezuela invade us for threatening their sovereignty? Imagine that world.
John Krasinski has been doing the full executive level tugjob to our brave, brave intelligence officers who did nothing but awesome stuff in South America for the last few decades. We just gotta support the troops, you know? We gotta fight them over there, or else we fight them here? Does anyone else smell burnt toast? Now I’m imagining Elliott Abrams mugging to a CSPAN camera when they ask him about Nicaraguan death squads.
This type of blatant CIA-sponsored propaganda is something we were always warned “other” countries did to pacify their populaces into support atrocity. Well, now it’s streaming on Amazon!
Horny: David Wohl’s Sexy Calendar for the Troops
Awarded by: Jean Krill
UPDATE: This tweet has been thankfully been deleted. The power of Gary Sinise to be the only one wounding warriors will not be defied.
There are many ways to be horny. From your everyday thirsting to the exceptional perversion of airborne sickos, it’s usually a straightforward affair. You see a beefcake or a sexy lady, your eyes bulge out of your skull, and your tongue unrolls like a carpet. Uncomplicated, earnest, and fundamentally honest. While there may be complicated or even neurotic explanations for what specifically gets you hornt up, the expression itself requires no further explanation.
Sometimes, though, horniness itself betrays something deeper. Something beyond the innocent simplicity of thirst.
Enter David Wohl. A man already mired in layers of pathology. The father of internet MAGA grifter Jacob Wohl, it appears Papa has decided to get in on the action. If his dipshit son can make a buck off bizarre press conferences dedicated to reading chain email conspiracies and hilarious lies, then certainly his old man can get a piece of the MAGA Market.
And God help us, get a piece he has, but I’m not sure he wants it, or even knows what to do with it.
David has partnered with the fellow grifter and very normally named Breck Worsham to create a, uh, sexy calendar for wounded warriors? If you miss 2006, reactionary politics, and men with immense inner turmoil this is the erotic time management product for you.
We see a half naked Breck, dressed in a corset and stockings, seated on a kitchen counter, the sexiest of all potential suburban sex platforms, leaning in to an unnaturally upright Wohl. He stands, her arms wrapped around his shoulders, wearing nothing but his bootcut jeans and comically oversized watch. While she oozes middle aged hot wife energy, David can’t even muster the enthusiasm of a cuck. Body stiff, uncomfortable, almost as if he strains to keep her from pulling him any closer.
As you delve deeper into the promotional materials, she sheds more clothing, yet his bootcut jeans remain stubbornly plastered to his body. Is it a mere refusal to remove them, or an inability to do so? Is his reluctance a sign of his impotence, or one of his revulsion? Does he fear the swinging Breck discovering his weak and flaccid member, or does the very idea of sex confound the man? He understands MMA and Monster Energy. He can comprehend HGH and flatbrim hats, but something about sex seems alien to this man.
He understands it’s something that you’re supposed to associate with manliness. He knows performative virility and machismo is part and parcel of the MAGA grift, but like Trump himself he goes through the motions while seeming out of place.
There’s no doubt this boomer MAGA calendar is horny, but is Jacob? Does he want to be? Can he be? These are only questions he can answer for himself. Perhaps one day he’ll be freed from the prison of horny expectations to find out for himself.
And that’s your weekly dose of Stupid, Evil, Horny! We really need to offer our sincere gratitude to the Wohl family for their continual last-minute contributions to the success of this series. Wohls, we couldn’t do this without your inspiring poster’s brains keeping us going. Unban Jacob, drop all charges, and give him a column in the New York Times.
Carl Wilhoyte is the co-editor and co-founder of Zero Balance. His work has appeared in Street Fight Radio, District Sentinel, Abomination Magazine, Bourbon Penn, and Farmhouse Magazine.